Yesterday I felt a million times better. I had some slight cramping at night time, but nothing compared to Thursday. I was, however, extremely emotional. At the risk of sounding like a crazy person, I won't get into my history with the radio. Let's just say that there have been more times than I can count that meaningful songs comes on the radio at exactly the right time. Sometimes the songs are very specific to me, and other times the lyrics just seem to point me in a certain direction or even respond to something I was thinking about. I do have witnesses to this happening!
So I had a lot of driving around to do yesterday. Home to work (20 minutes), work to acupuncture (40 minutes), acupuncture to home (50 minutes). I always, always have the radio on, and that's where most of my emotions erupted from. I didn't have a connection yesterday, but certain songs just brought on the water works.
In the morning, "White Christmas" got me started, so I turned off the Christmas music and popped in a mix cd. I regained my composure, but then "I Won't Back Down" (Tom Petty) sent me reeling. "Heeeey, baby. There ain't no easy way out. You can stand me up at the gates of hell, but I won't back down. Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around. And I'll keep this world from draggin me down, but I'll stand my ground. I won't back down" (That's not the perfect order, btw, but you get the idea.) I cried some more.
So then, on my way to acupuncture I start up again when I hear "Christmas, Baby Please Come Home". I love this song, especially the Darlene Love version, which it was, so I know the lyrics and never had a problem. But for some reason, yesterday "We're singing deck the haaaallls, but it's not like Chirstmas at aaaalllll....." blindsided me. Sheesh!
While I was waiting for my appointment, I turned off the radio (maybe I should have it disconnected?) and was playing around on facebook on my phone. A friend of mine put up "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog that matters." How true is that? There's so much fight left in me. and like Tom Petty said, I won't back down. So, I am adding this line to my affirmations, along with Henry Ford's "If you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." I can get pregnant. I know I can.
I'll give you the abridged version of my ride home. In the 50 minute ride, these songs made me cry: "Dynomite" (which is normally a get-pumped song for me) "Up on the Housetop" (seriously?) and "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue" ("a mighty suckerpunch came flying in from somewhere in the back, but as soon as we could see clearly through our big black eye, man we lit up your world like the 4th of July" It's clearly a patriotic song, but I can connect anything and everything to my infertility. Our suckerpunch is IF, black eye all the pain we've gone through for three years, we're working on a plan that will change everything)
Once again, I turned the radio off, called Jamie. Called my mom. Then, 3 minutes from my house, as I'm once again pushing buttons, the Beastie Boys' "You gotta fight, for your right, to paaaaaarty" comes on. Remembering that It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog that matters... I become empowered and belt out every chorus as "You gotta fight, for your right, to be a MOOOOOOMMMMY!" No more tears.