Sunday, November 20, 2011

Friday, November 18, 2011

Gabriella and the GI

After Gabriella's mega-serious reflux episodes at Children's and then at home with me on November 1st, we were referred out to a GI at my request.  There was a month wait for him so my pediatrician called and they worked us in sooner.  We had the appointment today and lemme tell ya- it was a complete waste of time in my opinion.  He basically kept asking up how we knew it was reflux/ why we thought it was reflux.  Hmmm... let's see... how about because every medical professional that I've spoken with since she was a month old and screamed, arched, turned red, and had white acid coming out of her nose and mouth told me it was acid reflux.  He said if it were reflux we're doing all of the right preventative stuff already.  He really doesn't think the prilosec or zantac or rice cereal to thicken her food really does much    ::cough,cough,bullshit::  He advised us to drop the zantac to once a day for a few weeks and then stop it altogether.  Ummm, yeah, not gonna happen.  It's not that I think I'm smarter than the GI, per say, I just think I'm a very good judge of character, and he didn't float my boat.  Above all else, I know my baby girl better than anyone.  Unless he wants to come hang out with us on a daily basis and deal with her when she refluxes, he can go pound sand.
I learned really fast that as a parent you need to follow your heart and your head and do what you think is right for you and your family.  And that's what I'll continue to do for today, tomorrow, and always.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

pulmonologist appointment

Benjamin had another appointment with his pulmonologist today.  We had taken him on Saturday for chest xrays.  My mom took off of school to stay with Gabriella, so I was on my own with the little man.  We got called back quickly.  Benjamin flipped out on the scale.  He absolutely hates being naked.  I really think it all goes back to the NICU, and he associates being just in his diaper (or even less) with doctors, nurses, and hospitals.  Needless to say, he started retracting really hard after panicking.  Tracheal tugging and all.

The doctor poked his head in and said he was waiting for the radiologist to go over the xray with him.  Well, since I worry about everything and everything, once he closed the door in my head I was like "Why does he have to talk to the radiologist?  What's on the xray?  What's wrong with Benjamin?  Oh my God, please don't let anything be wrong with my baby!"  and so on and so on.  Cue instant stomach cramps.  In less than 3 minutes I was queasy and sweaty and HAD to go to the bathroom.  But then I was like, who'll watch Benjamin if I even attempt to go to the bathroom and be sick.  Do I pack him up and take him with?  Ask a nurse to stay with him?  What's taking the doctor so long?  Then my stupid brain kicks it up a notch- "it must be serious.  Damn it, I wish Jamie was here.  Chill the eff out, girl, Benjamin can sense your stress and you aren't helping him calm down.  Where is the doctor???"  I popped a handful of orange tictacs into my mouth and told myself they were a combination of Tums and Immodium AD.  Yup, that'll calm me down.  ::eye roll::  Seriously- I do think I'm pretty convincing with that kind of stuff.  8-)   (oh, Jamie... you have a killer headache?  here's a Breathsaver that's actually a really super duper powerful  medicine in my warped world)

While he did calm down quite a bit while we waited for the doc, he was still upset.  Everything looked fine on the xrays and his lungs sound clear, but Doctor T saw him retracting and especially noted the tracheal tugging, so he's having us get an esophagram.  THe wants to make sure that it's just a weak esophagus from being a preemie and being intubated for so long and that nothing is compressing or restricting his airway.  So, that's next Wednesday.  He'll have to fast for 3 hours and then drink contrast dye (barium) for the images.  Fingers crossed everything looks normal.

Monday, November 14, 2011


 found  here
I had some time yesterday to mess around on the computer since Jamie was home and playing with the babies.  I was checking out a few new blogs and happened upon this quote.  I read it a couple of times and then just stopped to think.  I was born and raised Catholic, as was Jamie (he even went to Catholic grade school- I went to a private Catholic college).  We go to church, although our attendance has dropped quite a bit since bedrest in June and Gabriella and Benjamin were born in July.  The babies were baptized on October 16, and church and God will continue to be an important part of their lives.  In our house, we heart Jesus! 

All of that being said, when I read this I thought back to my bedtime prayers on Saturday night.  I have so much to be thankful for, and I'll be the first person to recognize that.  I do say prayers of thanksgiving each night, but there's so much more to be thankful for than what I've been aknowledging nightly.  With everything that has happened with my infertility, pregnancy, and my preemies in the summer, I may have fallen into a pattern of asking God for help and giving my worries to him (which I know is all fine and dandy!) and not really, really appreciating all that I've been blessed with.  I know how much I have been blessed.  I just need to make more of a conscious decision to praise God for all he has given me on a daily basis. 

Sunday, November 13, 2011

snapshot sunday

Here are a few pictures that I took with my cell phone this week... Enjoy! 

Saturday, November 12, 2011

bitten by the craft bug

I love to craft!  Well, I like to think I love to crafts.  I don't have a very good track record, though, and for any betting-types out there the odds are usually pretty high that I won't finish my project in a timely manner, if at all.  That being said... Once again I am super excited to spend money that we don't have, on supplies for projects that I'll never finish start some awesome new projects.  I ran out today and got the supplies after seeing this little beauty and getting directions from theidearoom :

See, see, see, I'm so excited about this one that I jumped right in!

only about another thousand felt circles to cut out and pin down
I already stuck myself really, really hard with a straight pin. 
Who saw that coming???

And, and in this bag (that's just taunting me- It's like they know I won't be done by Christmas.) is stuff for a present that I'm trying to make for Brooke for Christmas:

And, and adorable fleece for no-sew blankies for Gabriella and Benjamin for Christmas:

And I want to make these cute felt hooties:

Never you mind the following evidence that the wreath will never come into contact with my walls:

Our wedding scrapbook.  We'll be married 6 years next month.

half-started, half-completed pages
I really do have the best intentions when I start my projects!

See, the honeymoon pages of Our Wedding scrapbook are all done.  I don't totally suck!

Summer 2010 I decided to re-pursue painting. 
My Bachelor's degree included a double major in studio art and graphic design, minor in art history.

Greta's scrapbook.
Again, the papers and photos and embellishments are laid out, I just have to do it.
Admittedly, once we found out she had cancer, I wanted to spend my free time with her,
not working on a book about her.

And ::sigh:: the baby afghan I've been crocheting for years.
I'll keep you posted as to how all of this craftiness turns out...  stay tuned!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Halloween: better late than never

trick or treating by Auntie Brooke and Uncle Nick's house

cutest little ducky and ladybug ever

Dominick is holding baby Owen (Winnie the Pooh)
Gabriella and Owen were having a shouting contest, but she came up for air!

my parents
yup, that's Benjamin in the duck suit still

fast asleep in pink, black cat jammies from my friend, Sue

still tired the next morning in orange bat/dracula jammies from Sue

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

my belated one year blog-iversary

Because there's not a whole heck of a lot of free time around this joint anymore, I lost track of the days, again.  This post was intended for November 6th, but whatever.  I started this blog on that day!  At the time I was preparing for my 5th transfer after hyperstimulating after my second ivf.  After so many letdowns I anticipated this remaining an infertility blog for who knows how long.  Little did I know that that was the cycle when my prayers would be answered and my dreams and hopes and heart's longing would reach fruition and journey down the path of motherhood. 

As I took a few minutes to click back on the November 2010 posts, my eyes stung with tears.  Even as I watch Gabriella and Benjamin kicking away in their bouncy chairs at this very moment, the memories of what brought them to me make my stomach feel a little upset.  Honestly, before I got pregnant I really thought that the heart-break that infertility brings would just magically melt away through pregnancy and certainly once a baby or two arrived.  I'm sorry to say it doesn't.  Of course that pain has subsided, but every time I read about my cyber-friends' cycles it stirs up my own experiences.  I remember all too well how it feels to have a bfn- I never miscarried or had a chemical pregnancy, so I can not relate to those sorrows.  But trust me, this girl's heart knows pain none-the-less.

All of the worrying and wondering and what-ifs simply shifted forms during pregnancy.  From the get go when Baby A's placenta started to detach, to running to the hospital to be monitored because Baby B who was a wiggleworm hadn't moved in hours and hours, to the fear that my babies were going to be pulled prior to 31 weeks,  to my 34 weekers being in the NICU, watching Benjamin being intubated- seeing him cry but no sound coming out because of the tube.  It continues to this day after seeing Gabriella rescusitated just weeks ago.  The fear of having my dreams shattered, that my babies are just too good to be true, remains. Just over the weekend I had to go get a prescription from the big Walgreen's right by Christ Hospital, and let me tell you, driving that route that I traveled so much for the month after my babies were born still gives me a great big sinking feeling in my chest and some pretty serious anxiety takes over. 

Gabriella and Benjamin are my whole world.  They are everything I've ever wanted and needed.  Years from now my kids won't be able to look back and remember a mommy that had the cleanest house on the block.  I've got days worth of dishes in the sink, at least a week's worth of laundry to do, months of dust stacked up in the living room; I could go on and on, but you get my drift.  My kids will look back and remember a mommy that held them and rocked them and covered them with kisses, a mommy that played with them and read stories to them and loved them more than life itself.