Because there's not a whole heck of a lot of free time around this joint anymore, I lost track of the days, again. This post was intended for November 6th, but whatever. I started this blog on that day! At the time I was preparing for my 5th transfer after hyperstimulating after my second ivf. After so many letdowns I anticipated this remaining an infertility blog for who knows how long. Little did I know that that was the cycle when my prayers would be answered and my dreams and hopes and heart's longing would reach fruition and journey down the path of motherhood.
As I took a few minutes to click back on the November 2010 posts, my eyes stung with tears. Even as I watch Gabriella and Benjamin kicking away in their bouncy chairs at this very moment, the memories of what brought them to me make my stomach feel a little upset. Honestly, before I got pregnant I really thought that the heart-break that infertility brings would just magically melt away through pregnancy and certainly once a baby or two arrived. I'm sorry to say it doesn't. Of course that pain has subsided, but every time I read about my cyber-friends' cycles it stirs up my own experiences. I remember all too well how it feels to have a bfn- I never miscarried or had a chemical pregnancy, so I can not relate to those sorrows. But trust me, this girl's heart knows pain none-the-less.
All of the worrying and wondering and what-ifs simply shifted forms during pregnancy. From the get go when Baby A's placenta started to detach, to running to the hospital to be monitored because Baby B who was a wiggleworm hadn't moved in hours and hours, to the fear that my babies were going to be pulled prior to 31 weeks, to my 34 weekers being in the NICU, watching Benjamin being intubated- seeing him cry but no sound coming out because of the tube. It continues to this day after seeing Gabriella rescusitated just weeks ago. The fear of having my dreams shattered, that my babies are just too good to be true, remains. Just over the weekend I had to go get a prescription from the big Walgreen's right by Christ Hospital, and let me tell you, driving that route that I traveled so much for the month after my babies were born still gives me a great big sinking feeling in my chest and some pretty serious anxiety takes over.
Gabriella and Benjamin are my whole world. They are everything I've ever wanted and needed. Years from now my kids won't be able to look back and remember a mommy that had the cleanest house on the block. I've got days worth of dishes in the sink, at least a week's worth of laundry to do, months of dust stacked up in the living room; I could go on and on, but you get my drift. My kids will look back and remember a mommy that held them and rocked them and covered them with kisses, a mommy that played with them and read stories to them and loved them more than life itself.