Wednesday, February 1, 2012

shut up stupid brain

Dear stupid brain,
Why do you wait until I'm trying to sleep to start working for the day?  Why do you take that opportunity to think and over-think every little detail of my life?  Why do you make me relive moments that I'd rather put behind me?  Why am I dwelling on the stupid maternal fetal doctor that was mean to me BOTH times I was admitted to the hospital?  All I keep thinking is I should have handled the situations with Dr. Suarez differently.  I wish I had the gumption to have kicked him out of my room.  But I guess, ultimately, my own feelings and emotions and pride was put aside for my babies.  Do what you want, say what you want to me, but just let me know my babies are ok... perhaps this was why I dealt with him like I did. 

But seriously, I'd like to go to sleep since my babies are both sleeping (for a few hours already).  Please turn off brain.  I'll pick up all of my worries in the morning.  I promise I'll resume right where I'm leaving off.  I'll worry about money and bills.  I'll worry about keeping my babies safe and healthy.  I'll feel anxious and cry about the thought of something happening to me and my babies not remembering much about me.  I'll try to think of a way to make money without returning to work full time.  I'll beat myself up for not being a better housewife and keeping up with chores.  I'll regret the peanut M&Ms I devoured tonight and berate myself for not having more self-control.  I'll pick all of it, and more, right back up in the morning.  Just let me rest peacefully now. 
Thanks in advance for your cooperation.

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