At the risk of sounding high and mighty and judgemental, I have been reminded of a feeling that I used to have quite often before my bfp: not everyone deserves to be a parent. There. I said it. We all hear about extreme cases of abuse or neglect on the news, but every so often in real life there arises a situation that forces me to ask "Why was he/she blessed with a baby when other, more deserving people aren't?" and clearly I do not ask myself this because I see signs of abuse or neglect. There is a whole gray area on the parenting spectrum where a mother or father can just seem to not outwardly care about their child. I guess I use the word "deserving" as a synonym to loving, caring, interested, compassionate, or stable. It hurts my heart to know people that I think deserve the joy and pleasure and priviledge of pregnancy and parenthood and are not given the opportunity, and then you have others who have it fall into their laps, whether they are ready/ willing/ able or not. There's more to being a parent than simply giving birth.
I keep pausing to reread what I've written, and I wish it wasn't so vague but that's just the way it has to be. It makes sense to me, and I know exactly what I'm writing about. It makes me feel better to get it off my chest even if it isn't entirely coherent to my readers.
I have so much faith and trust in God, but I think sometimes he drops the ball. I think that being God is a big responsibility, and I wonder if things sometimes slip by Him. I often wish I could be Keeper of the Babies. I'm a very good judge of character. Maybe I could just give Him my opinion on things baby-related. He might appreciate the help, who knows. In my 30 years of life, but I'd say in the last 5-6 years for sure, I could rattle off quite a few examples of life changing events that should not have been. Again, I'll keep it vague, but I'm recalling numerous, large-scale *life's not fair* moments for me, my family, and my friends.
Have you seen the 80's movie "Parenthood" with Steve Martin? Great flick. Towards the end of the movie, Keanu Reeves' character has just talked to his fiance/wife's brother about some personal issues regarding his dad. Reeves relates a story about his own childhood and, although he's a big goofball in the movie, he lays down a pretty meaningful analogy. Here it is: