Monday, May 23, 2011


I'm having *a day*.  Nothing has gone wrong; I think life in general is just catching up with me or hitting me hard for some reason.  If I had to pick one word to describe myself right now it would probably be overwhelmed.  Jamie has been working weird, stupid, long hours lately, like 5pm-5am, 3-11 and turning around to do 7-3.  Normally he works 7-3 Mon-Fri, so this is a big change.  For the last month I've been bored and lonely during the day, but at least he'd be around evenings and weekends.  This just blows, but it's great money that he can't turn down.  Especially considering I will not be working next school year and we'll have 2 more little people around here that will need things that cost money.  And we still are taking our baby Greta for cancer treatments. 
My morning started off with one such appointment for her.  My mom took the day off of school to go with me.  That's when I started getting emotional- I have and will continue to do everything I can to make Greta comfortable and try to slow down her cancer.  That has never been questioned!  But I guess I just wish this wasn't how I spent my day or our money.  I wish this never happened to her, and that's the bottom line.  All I have to do is chauffer her around and swipe my credit card.  She's the poor soul that has to endure treatment after treatment, and she just doesn't deserve it.  In 3 weeks, at her next round of chemo, they'll do a chest x-ray to see if it has spread to her lungs.  I'm terrified for that appointment.  If the xray is still clear, then we'll finish out the last 3 rounds of chemo.  If it has gotten to my baby's lungs, well... we'll need a new plan depending on how advanced it is. 
In addition to Greta's appointment, I had another non-stress test (nst) today.  It should be relatively easy and quick (maybe 30 minutes or so), but nothing is ever easy for me.  We did an ultrasound right away to spot the babies' hearts, which should have made things a million times easier to place the monitors.  Baby A is never an issue; it's just my silly Baby B who cannot hold still.  The tech tried and tried and tried to get Baby B to stay on the monitor to no avail.  After about 15 minutes she took me off the monitors and we did an second ultrasound to see where in the world that baby's heart was.  Once we finally got it figured out, I had to, once again, push down hard at a tricky, uncomfortable angle to try to keep the monitor in the right spot.  Ultimately, the whole appointment took about an hour.
My house is a flipping mess.  There's no excuse for the current condition of things here.  And I wish I could say that it was just a room or two, but it's not.  It's the kitchen, our bedroom, our bathroom, and computer room.  Just thinking about the disaster in each of those rooms makes my head hurt.  In the kitchen, it's not just dishes in the sink.  It's dishes, crap on the counter, more crap piled on the kitchen table, the floor, my fridge is gross, the pantry is a wreck... I think the master bedroom and bathroom are the worst of all.  I'm seriously not even going to itemize everything that needs to be done in those rooms, but it's overwhelming to say the least.  We probably have 10-12 loads of dirty laundry piled all over those rooms.  There's simply no excuse. 
I got a facebook message from the lady I used to babysit for while I was growing up.  Two of the kids are in college now and the third is a junior in high school.  We still keep in touch, and they actually live about 4 blocks away from us, even though they moved off my parents' block about 15 years ago.  We just so happened to build in the same subdivision.  Anyways, they want to bring over dinner for me and Jamie next week.  I just don't want company.  It could be my current mood, or the current condition of my house, but I'm just not feeling it right now.  But OMG, how ungrateful can I be???  I can't turn her down.  What would I even say? 
I couldn't get the stupid hose connected to the spigot on the house to water my flowers and plants.  Jamie hooked it up, but didn't do a very good job because more water is shooting out from the connection than is coming out of the nozzle.  I asked him to please fix it, but that didn't happen today.  And I can't blame him; work is nutso and he needs rest.  We've got yew bushes lining the fence, and they keep dying.  We've talked to the landscaping company, brought them in samples, paid to have the bushes (like 20 of them) dug up, had better drainage put down, and replanted, and here we go again.  They die in pairs, and right now we are down 6 already this spring.  I don't have money to drop on more G-d yews at 30 bucks a piece.  Especially not when we don't know that the frickin problem is. 
I have to get going on report cards for school.  I need to make sure my sub has things under control for next Tuesday, which is records day (aka paperwork all day).  I hope she doesn't need me up there.  I can go up for a bit in the morning, but I have yet another appointment next Tuesday in the afternoon.  Every week I have 3-4 appointments, and I know that might even increase. 
I'm just worn out and overwhelmed with life.  It feels like all I do is run around.  While I'm not on bedrest, more house arrest, I think I'm just trying to do too much.  Factor in my lack of sleep, and this current state is all I'm left with.  I can't even imagine how I'd feel if I was still working.
Here's hoping that writing it all down serves some sort of theraputic purpose, and I can snap out of this mood.

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