I can't tell you if these seven wee ones will ever be transferred to me, but we just felt that this was the right move to make. If we have another fet done in the future, we'd use the 4 remaining embryos from our second ivf, the ones that RE#2 produced. I had kind of an emotional morning. It doens't tkae much to get me crying lately, but I was choked up as we got closer to RE#1 to get our embryos. We had made that same journey many times, for monitoring on the weekends prior to ivf1, ivf, emergency appointment for ohss, fresh transfer, and 3 frozen transfers. Each time we followed that route, there was so much hope in my heart. In the beginning anyway. I'd be lying to say that my 3rd fet (4th overall transfer) was filled with hope. So as we drove there today and got closer, it just hit me for some reason. It just made everything so final- in a good way. I don't want their assistance anymore. They were not able to get me pregnant, ever. All of their mushy talk about "You're here to pick up the kids, huh?" and post transfer "Your little ones are home now" got me nowhere and nothing but heartache. Being asked if I had a sister who would consider being a surrogate at my last wtf just topped it all. Getting my embryos today, while I'm 10 weeks pregnant with twins, just brought me some much needed closure and satisfaction.
I needed to get that off my chest. I met a lot of great people while I was at RE#1, but the bottom line is that they didn't get me pregnant. I don't hate them. I'm not even angry or upset really. I just wonder why my doctor seemed to give up on me. Was I ruining his statistics? Was I just too much trouble? I just don't get it, and I probably never will. Why did he lose hope? I am not naive enough to think for one second that RE#2 has it all figured out. Please. I'm sure he has patients who have left his practice and gotten pregnant by other doctors, too. I get it. But I guess I just wonder how and why things sometimes work out the way they do. I recently came across this quote: When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "give it one more try!"
I don't think I'd change anything we've done this whole journey. I'm a firm believer that everything we experience (good or bad) shapes who we become. Like I wrote in my letter to infertility a while ago, IF made me the woman that sits writing this today. I am stronger, more compassionate, and have more faith because of my IF. These babies that I have finally been blessed with are loved beyond measure already. I know that (almost) all mommies want their babies, but I swear I already do and will continue to love these babies more than any other mommy ever has.
So, that was our busy morning, just a whole lot of running around. I couldn't resist taking a few pictures of the adventure. To end on a lighter note, here they are:
|Safety first! We strapped our 7 little frosty babies in for the drive.|
|Very nice, Jamie, hands at 10 and 2.|
|What a responsible driver! There was a lot of precious cargo in our car this morning.|