the christening

So, after the whole miscommunication about bakery doughnuts, yesterday we had a christening for my cousin's baby girl.  My cuz had 1 ivf which ended up being an fet which ended with a beautiful baby girl.  On her first try!  Six months after daughter #1 was born, she got pregnant naturally.  Eleven months after daughter #2 was born, she got pregnant naturally and just had daughter #3.  And that was the christening that I cried through yesterday morning. 

My crying jag was even more painful and humbling because the chapel was very small and there were only about 25 of us there, including my cousin's husband's family who probably thought I was crazy for sitting there trying to wipe away my tears.  As if no one would notice.  Just when I reigned my emotions back in, I'd make eye contact with my cousin or the priest or cousin's hubby when he brought the guest of honor around for all of us to make the sign of the cross on and I'd lose control again.  With so few people in such a small place, I would have made an even bigger spectacle out of myself if I tried to sneak to the bathroom or out the door for fresh air so I just desperately poked at the corners of my eyes to stop the tears from streaming down my face.  It was quite an experience.  Might I mention that two rows up sat my brother videorecording the ceremony.  When the baby was being brought around, I silently begged and pleaded that he wouldn't turn around to try and capture the back row dwellers blessing the baby.  (I don't know if he did, I kept my eyes down.)

I try to be happy and share in other people's good fortune when it comes to babies, but it's just so hard.  I am NOT hating on my cousin for her good fortune.  I'm not.  It's just that I think the love needs to be spread a bit.  She already had a perfect baby, even two perfect babies, so why did she get more before I could even get one?  It's hard to be happy when I always imagined having a whole house full of children.  Now I'd be thrilled and blessed and fulfilled to have just one healthy baby.  That's all I'm asking for at this point. 

There are certain situations in life that are unavoidable.  I need to really think things through and decide (even at the least minute) if I am emotionally ready to handle what may come from these events.  I can't torture myself and rip open an unhealed would before the scab is ready to be flicked off.  Evidentally, scabs on the heart take exponentially longer to heal than all the rest.  I'll have to remember that in the future.