one year ago today - 33 weeks

I have this habit of viewing time in relative terms, which if fun when you're anticipating something but can be a downer when you're looking back.  Like vacations - my mind works like this *one week from today we'll be going on rides at the Magic Kingdom* OR *this time last week we were watching the sunset in Maui* (for example).
I've got a few posts to catch up on: we got our Saint Bernard puppy back in May; Benjamin qualified for physical therapy services through Early Intervention; party planning for the big birthday bash.  But in the meantime, here's what's on my heart right now...
One year ago today I was 33 weeks pregnant and sent to the hospital because of my blood pressure.  I remember the details of that night so vividly.  It seems like it just happened, but at the same time it feels like Gabriella and Benjamin have been with us forever.  My ob instructed me not to eat and head straight for Christ Hospital, just in case they had to pull the babies.  I remember that the babies kept falling off of the monitors all.night.long no matter which way I slept.  I remember in the morning how my heart raced and my bp sky-rocketed when the mean maternal fetal medicine doc that I had during the first week I was in entered my room to go over things with me.  He was just as mean this time around.  Looking back, I wish I would have filed a complaint.  Or demanded a different doctor.  Or something.  But I guess the bottom line is, he was part of the team that kept me and my babies safe, so for that I am grateful.
I have been playing back *one year ago today* all day and I continue to be just flooded with emotions.  I cry a lot.  I look at my sweet babies and just thank God for them.  I still feel pangs sadness for everything that my babies went through in the NICU, especially Benjamin.  I still feel like I was robbed of part of the picture perfect scenes that all mommas-to-be envision, water breaking, holding a newborn, rooming in, beaming as I held my newborns when we were discharged days later.  That just wash't our story.  I accept that.  I am grateful that we have our own happy story to share even if it wasn't a typical, run of the mill type of event.
One year ago today I was scared silly that my babies were going to be born too soon.  I was terrified of having a stroke or seizures.  But I was also blessed to be pregnant with two healthy babies.  I was happy to just take it day by day and keep them in as long as it was safe for all three of us.  I was excited to meet my snuggle bugs very soon.
 I was thankful for everything God had given me; and some things will never change.

a momma needs comfort

This momma has been through a lot - losing one twin daughter the night before her c-section and having her surving twin daughter in the NICU for 17 months... After that long battle, Jen and her family said good-bye to Ainsley on Saturday.  Please leave her some love and send up some prayers. 

embracing the camera

Here we go, my first week of embracing the camera... getting in front of the lens and not just being momarazzi!  I have to admit that I really do love these three pictures.  Gabriella's sweet little face gazing at me, Benjamin and me sharing a giggle, and a no-brainer with me and both of my angels, my loves, my world. 

Gabriella and Mommy {9 months old}

Benjamin and Mommy {9 months old}

me with my snugglebugs

 I have linked up with Emily over here:

embracing the camera

I recently came across this adorable family blog.  A once weekly bit that she participates in  is *embrace the camera*.  The link below is the info page on her site, but in a nutshell it's all about mommies getting into more pictures!  Ummm, hello.  That's me.  Even before the babies, when Jamie and I would go o n vacation there would be about 300 pictures of him and like 6 with me in them.  It was like he had his own photographer documenting his travels.  I swear, people would ask "hey, didn't you go with Amanda?"  =).

Anyways, one of my new year's goals was to make sure to take pictures of Gabriella and Benjamin every week, video at least every other week, and once a month to get pics of me and Jamie with the babes.  The first two goals weren't too hard; it was pretty much already happening.  It's that last one... get in the pictures that I haven't rocked it on. 

I got a tripod for my DSLR for Christmas, so we have set it up and used the self timer for a few whole family shots, but not as often as I had hoped.  And definitely not enough candid, natural, silly, normal, this is our life shots.  It's my own fault.

I am guilty of sliding down the slippery slope of being a stay at home mommy - I don't take a shower every day.  I don't wear make up every day.  Some days I stay in my jammies and go right back to bed in them at night.  And some days when I do get dressed it's sweats and tshirts.  ::sigh::  So, I'm a bit self conscious and not wanting to hop in pictures looking all raggedy.  But then I read Emily's Embrace the Camera page.  And what she said makes sense.  I know she's right. 

One day all that will be left of me for my kids, besides their memories of course, is pictures.  They won't care if mommy had greasy roots in her ponytail.  Or unconcealed dark circles.  Or pimples.  (oh, the pimples!  I went back to the derm yesterday, btw)  They'll treasure the  pictures of their mommy and them and likely wish they had more, no matter how many there are.  I know I do with my baby pictures.  I LOVE seeing my mom and dad with me and my brother in the albums.  Never once have I ever thought 'mom should have put makeup on/ fixed her hair/ worn nicer clothes'.

So, I took the leap and got into some pictures.  My first day I was still in my jammies, not a touch of makeup.  Yesterday, I ran upstairs and put a little powder and blush on, fixed my ponytail, and threw on a cute tee and sweats.  I used the self timer to get me with both babies.  I took a few shots of me individually with Gabriella and Benjamin holding my arm out to get us in the frame. 

And ya know what?  It wasn't too shabby.  I'm totally uploading later today to share my results!!!

http://andersonfamilycrew.blogspot.com/p/embrace-camera.html

Love It- When Good Things Happen for People

Giuliana and Bill Rancic: We’re having a baby!

I don't watch their show or anything, but I was reading this article this morning and I totally started crying.  Good for them!  I wouldn't wish infertility on even my worst enemy.

the big guy's first word

Yesterday was another big day!  Benjamin said his first word... momma!!!  =)

We were by Nick and Brooke's house in the evening to celebrate Dominick's 3rd birthday (again, his party was on Sunday but we just had to see him on his actual birthday for cake and more presents!)  Benjamin was in their jumperoo and was at an angle where he could not see me at all, although I was just sitting behind him.  If I leaned forward I could touch him.  He started to get a little bit fussy, started chattering a bit, got a little more upset, and let loose with 'momma'.  Within maybe ten seconds, he got pretty upset and was just 'momma, momma, momma, momma' until I picked him up.  Then all was right with the world very quickly. 

To prove it wasn't a fluke, Benjamin did the same thing just a bit later.  My mom was holding Ben in the living room with Jamie and I was in the kitchen.  Jamie called out for me to join them, and Benjamin was a bit upset again and just saying 'momma, momma, momma' until his mommy appeared! 

baby girls' first word

Yesterday morning Gabriella took a nap in the swing.  I went upstairs to get her just before noon.  I turned off the swing and squatted down in front of her.  She looked at me and said 'hi'.  Clear as day and at a most appropriate time to greet me!  I was caught off guard that this little baby girl just said hi to me.  I gave her a great big smile and said hi back.  She smiled and said hi a second time. 

She has said it a handful of times since then, but more to herself while she's in the jumperoo or just playing around.  It was just such perfect timing for her to lay it on me yesterday!