I have this habit of viewing time in relative terms, which if fun when you're anticipating something but can be a downer when you're looking back. Like vacations - my mind works like this *one week from today we'll be going on rides at the Magic Kingdom* OR *this time last week we were watching the sunset in Maui* (for example).
I've got a few posts to catch up on: we got our Saint Bernard puppy back in May; Benjamin qualified for physical therapy services through Early Intervention; party planning for the big birthday bash. But in the meantime, here's what's on my heart right now...
One year ago today I was 33 weeks pregnant and sent to the hospital because of my blood pressure. I remember the details of that night so vividly. It seems like it just happened, but at the same time it feels like Gabriella and Benjamin have been with us forever. My ob instructed me not to eat and head straight for Christ Hospital, just in case they had to pull the babies. I remember that the babies kept falling off of the monitors all.night.long no matter which way I slept. I remember in the morning how my heart raced and my bp sky-rocketed when the mean maternal fetal medicine doc that I had during the first week I was in entered my room to go over things with me. He was just as mean this time around. Looking back, I wish I would have filed a complaint. Or demanded a different doctor. Or something. But I guess the bottom line is, he was part of the team that kept me and my babies safe, so for that I am grateful.
I have been playing back *one year ago today* all day and I continue to be just flooded with emotions. I cry a lot. I look at my sweet babies and just thank God for them. I still feel pangs sadness for everything that my babies went through in the NICU, especially Benjamin. I still feel like I was robbed of part of the picture perfect scenes that all mommas-to-be envision, water breaking, holding a newborn, rooming in, beaming as I held my newborns when we were discharged days later. That just wash't our story. I accept that. I am grateful that we have our own happy story to share even if it wasn't a typical, run of the mill type of event.
One year ago today I was scared silly that my babies were going to be born too soon. I was terrified of having a stroke or seizures. But I was also blessed to be pregnant with two healthy babies. I was happy to just take it day by day and keep them in as long as it was safe for all three of us. I was excited to meet my snuggle bugs very soon.
I was thankful for everything God had given me; and some things will never change.