new year's eve

At this year draws to a close I sit here trying to reflect on how very blessed I am, but I am just so overcome with tears as all of my blessings come to mind- too many to even begin listing here, but I will certainly jot them down and tuck it in a safe spot as a friendly reminder for a rough day.  There were plenty of ups and downs this year, but as long as I have my family by me and we have our health, nothing else matters.  Here's to a safe, healthy, and happy 2013 for everyone!

Gabriella - 17 months old - loves being tickled, giving kisses,  and dancing

Benjamin - 17 months old - loves music, playing with trucks, and reading books

on being thankful

It seems as though almost everyone is spending the month of November writing gratitude and thankful posts.  Although I deactivated my Facebook account days after Gabriella and Benjamin were born, I read a post from another blogger about how FB is being lit up with what people are blessed or thankful to have (all of the "blessed for my babies" were getting to her).  I think it's fantastic to publicly proclaim one's blessings.  I do.  I simply hope that they all appreciate who and what they have on a daily basis year-round.
If I were a better blogger perhaps I would have jumped on the bandwagon, too.  But I'm not a great blogger.  And lately I just don't feel like that great of a person.  I wake up every day and give the day everything I've got, but somedays I just have more to give than other days.  So, while I'm not documenting this month with the thirty things I am most thankful for, you better believe that I count my blessings each night.

My heart is heavy tonight for these two gals- Jenn (Stupid Stork passed the word along) and Leslie.  If you're the praying type, please add them to the list.

play time, all of the time

We spend so.much.time. in the playroom.  The playroom is actually our dining room, but before we got Lucy we moved the dining room set to the basement and made the space into the babies' playroom.  Gabriella and Benjamin are growing so fast and changing so much!!  Here are a few pictures of an afternoon in the playroom this week:

Gabriella loves snuggling in laps and being tickled!  She loves watching Lucy outside from the playroom window and always shares lots of food off of her high chair tray with her puppy!!!

Benjamin loves reading books (especially the touch and feel truck board book), playing with his cars,  and giving kisses.  He is crazy about his puppy Lucy!!!

I just die when this baby girl flashes her pearly whites!
(15 months)

Benjamin's smile just melts my heart!
(15 months)

Daddy and the babies having some quiet time reading.

Mommy and Benjamin reading his new truck book.

Gabriella's exciting news

I am beyond excited to report that today was Gabriella's first day off of ALL medicines!  I still have the spreadsheets that we were using to keep track of it all upstairs in the nursery.  Last November/December when her hemangioma ulcerated, Gabriella was getting medicine 17 times a day.  Yup, 17 times a day- propranolol 3 times. no sooner than every six hours with a meal, hydrocodone every 4 hours around the clock for pain management, zantac 3 times a day, prilosec once a day, prednisolone once a day, mineral oil twice a day, regranix once a day applied topically.  Even once things settled down, she's still gotten a minimum of 3 doses of medicine a day.  So, when you range anywhere from 3-17 times a day having to administer medicine, today was an exciting day for us!!!  She's come a long way.  Every day this sweet little girl just amazes me and melts my heart with her beautiful spirit.

life lately

Daily life over here has been pretty uneventful, which is just fine in my book!  Gabriella and Benjamin will typically sleep in until between 7:15 and 8:30, but that's after having an early morning bottle.  Then they'll play and eat and play some more until it's nap time, around 3 hours later.  After naps, it's more of the same.  If it's nice out, we'll head outside to play or splash in the baby pools, or we'll take the short ride over to Grandma and Grandpa's house for a dip in the big pool.  A couple of times a week we'll have playdates with Auntie Brooke, Dominick, and Owen.  All of this excitement is followed by more food and bottles and an afternoon nap.  Once Jamie gets home from work, they can't get enough of him.  Just this week Gabriella started saying Dada; up until now it was just hi.  So, here's life lately, in pictures:

embracing the camera

I recently came across this adorable family blog.  A once weekly bit that she participates in  is *embrace the camera*.  The link below is the info page on her site, but in a nutshell it's all about mommies getting into more pictures!  Ummm, hello.  That's me.  Even before the babies, when Jamie and I would go o n vacation there would be about 300 pictures of him and like 6 with me in them.  It was like he had his own photographer documenting his travels.  I swear, people would ask "hey, didn't you go with Amanda?"  =).

Anyways, one of my new year's goals was to make sure to take pictures of Gabriella and Benjamin every week, video at least every other week, and once a month to get pics of me and Jamie with the babes.  The first two goals weren't too hard; it was pretty much already happening.  It's that last one... get in the pictures that I haven't rocked it on. 

I got a tripod for my DSLR for Christmas, so we have set it up and used the self timer for a few whole family shots, but not as often as I had hoped.  And definitely not enough candid, natural, silly, normal, this is our life shots.  It's my own fault.

I am guilty of sliding down the slippery slope of being a stay at home mommy - I don't take a shower every day.  I don't wear make up every day.  Some days I stay in my jammies and go right back to bed in them at night.  And some days when I do get dressed it's sweats and tshirts.  ::sigh::  So, I'm a bit self conscious and not wanting to hop in pictures looking all raggedy.  But then I read Emily's Embrace the Camera page.  And what she said makes sense.  I know she's right. 

One day all that will be left of me for my kids, besides their memories of course, is pictures.  They won't care if mommy had greasy roots in her ponytail.  Or unconcealed dark circles.  Or pimples.  (oh, the pimples!  I went back to the derm yesterday, btw)  They'll treasure the  pictures of their mommy and them and likely wish they had more, no matter how many there are.  I know I do with my baby pictures.  I LOVE seeing my mom and dad with me and my brother in the albums.  Never once have I ever thought 'mom should have put makeup on/ fixed her hair/ worn nicer clothes'.

So, I took the leap and got into some pictures.  My first day I was still in my jammies, not a touch of makeup.  Yesterday, I ran upstairs and put a little powder and blush on, fixed my ponytail, and threw on a cute tee and sweats.  I used the self timer to get me with both babies.  I took a few shots of me individually with Gabriella and Benjamin holding my arm out to get us in the frame. 

And ya know what?  It wasn't too shabby.  I'm totally uploading later today to share my results!!!

http://andersonfamilycrew.blogspot.com/p/embrace-camera.html

the big guy's first word

Yesterday was another big day!  Benjamin said his first word... momma!!!  =)

We were by Nick and Brooke's house in the evening to celebrate Dominick's 3rd birthday (again, his party was on Sunday but we just had to see him on his actual birthday for cake and more presents!)  Benjamin was in their jumperoo and was at an angle where he could not see me at all, although I was just sitting behind him.  If I leaned forward I could touch him.  He started to get a little bit fussy, started chattering a bit, got a little more upset, and let loose with 'momma'.  Within maybe ten seconds, he got pretty upset and was just 'momma, momma, momma, momma' until I picked him up.  Then all was right with the world very quickly. 

To prove it wasn't a fluke, Benjamin did the same thing just a bit later.  My mom was holding Ben in the living room with Jamie and I was in the kitchen.  Jamie called out for me to join them, and Benjamin was a bit upset again and just saying 'momma, momma, momma' until his mommy appeared! 

baby girls' first word

Yesterday morning Gabriella took a nap in the swing.  I went upstairs to get her just before noon.  I turned off the swing and squatted down in front of her.  She looked at me and said 'hi'.  Clear as day and at a most appropriate time to greet me!  I was caught off guard that this little baby girl just said hi to me.  I gave her a great big smile and said hi back.  She smiled and said hi a second time. 

She has said it a handful of times since then, but more to herself while she's in the jumperoo or just playing around.  It was just such perfect timing for her to lay it on me yesterday!

6 years in Heaven

6 years ago today was one of the worst days of my life.  Without a doubt it's in the top 2 worst days, so far.  Brooke's dad died very suddenly.  He had been in the hospital for less than a day.  I remember every single detail about the morning of February 14, 2006.  Not that much can make the sudden death of your best friend's dad, and your brother's future father in law any worse, but I need to add that Nick and Brooke were getting married in just 11 days... February 25. 

Dominick would have been dancing up a storm with the ladies at Nick and Brooke's wedding.  He would have been absolutely ga-ga over little Dominick (his namesake) and baby Owen.  He was such a kind-hearted, generous soul that was taken way too soon and is missed tremendously. 

It brings me some comfort knowing that we have the best guardian angel ever watching over us from Heaven. 

a new little Saint

I'm super duper excited to announce that we've decided that we're ready for a puppy!  We've been eye-balling a Saint Bernard breeder in central Illinois for a few months now, and I've stayed in close contact with her.  She has a confirmed litter that is expected on March 26.  The male sometimes "has a hard time getting the job done, not for lack of trying".  My first thought was great, a dog with fertility issues, just what we need.  But date night was apparently a success.  We were the first put down our deposit, so we'll get pick of the litter.  The mommy, Bari, is a rough coat, aka long coat (like my Greta was), but the daddy, Quido, is a smooth coat, aka short coat, think fur like a lab but Saint colorings/markings.  We'll just have to see who catches our hearts.  So, we'll have a new fur baby at the end of May.  Gabriella and Benjamin will be almost a year, so they'll have a furry friend to grow up with, side-by-side. 

I'm so happy.  I really am.  But I'd be lying if I said that memories of Greta weren't weighing heavily on my heart in the last few weeks.  There aren't too many things that I wouldn't give up to have her back, healthy of course.  It's just kind of bittersweet right now - I'm happy to be getting a puppy soon, but I just wish we weren't "in the market" for one.  Here's the link for the breeder.

shut up stupid brain

Dear stupid brain,
Why do you wait until I'm trying to sleep to start working for the day?  Why do you take that opportunity to think and over-think every little detail of my life?  Why do you make me relive moments that I'd rather put behind me?  Why am I dwelling on the stupid maternal fetal doctor that was mean to me BOTH times I was admitted to the hospital?  All I keep thinking is I should have handled the situations with Dr. Suarez differently.  I wish I had the gumption to have kicked him out of my room.  But I guess, ultimately, my own feelings and emotions and pride was put aside for my babies.  Do what you want, say what you want to me, but just let me know my babies are ok... perhaps this was why I dealt with him like I did. 

But seriously, I'd like to go to sleep since my babies are both sleeping (for a few hours already).  Please turn off brain.  I'll pick up all of my worries in the morning.  I promise I'll resume right where I'm leaving off.  I'll worry about money and bills.  I'll worry about keeping my babies safe and healthy.  I'll feel anxious and cry about the thought of something happening to me and my babies not remembering much about me.  I'll try to think of a way to make money without returning to work full time.  I'll beat myself up for not being a better housewife and keeping up with chores.  I'll regret the peanut M&Ms I devoured tonight and berate myself for not having more self-control.  I'll pick all of it, and more, right back up in the morning.  Just let me rest peacefully now. 
Thanks in advance for your cooperation.

good-bye January

In terms of doctor appointments, I am so ready to flip the calendar to February.  Between both babies, we had our 7th appointments this month!  Cardiology (Gabriella), Dermatology (G), Pulmonology (Benjamin), sweat test (B), Neonatologist (B), 6 month well check (G and B), RSV vaccine (B, and G gets whatever is leftover).  Holy smokes.  February should be a quiet month, just pulmonology and pediatrician for 2nd flu shot. 

I can not, however, believe how quickly time continues to march by.  My babies are growing so fast.  Gabriella can roll back to belly all of the time, whenever she wants to and can occasionally roll belly to back.  She should have her first couple of teeth appear in the next month or so.  She's eating baby cereal (rice and oatmeal), carrots, and squash.  Benjamin is right on the cusp of rolling back to belly, he did it a few times but isn't completely consistent.  He has no signs of teeth emerging yet.  Benjamin eats baby cereal (rice and oatmeal) and will be trying carrots this week most likely. 

I just cherish each moment with my sweet darlings.  It seems like only yesterday that I was pregnant, they were born, and I was riding the NICU rollercoaster.  But at the same time, it's difficult to remember what life was like without them.

the time has come

Bleh.  Ugh.  This is not a topic or post that I'm really thrilled to sit down and write about, but it's time.  It's been time and I've been putting it off.  So, here goes...  I need to lose weight.  Again.  For about the millionth time in my life. 

After the babies were born, by the time I came home from the hospital (5 days later) I was AT my pre pregnancy weight.  Within a week or two I was down to my pre ttc weight.  WTF has happened?  I'm almost, not quite, back up to my pregnancy weight.  Yup, that's right, I weigh almost what I did when I was 30 something weeks pregnant with twins.  Shoot me now.  I'm not quite comfortable talking numbers on here at this point.  Maybe once I lose a bunch then I can reflect back on where I started from, but not today. 

I'm going to do the best that I can, one day at a time.  I'm going to follow the Weight Watchers points plan as much as I can, but I'm doing it on my own.  I have joined WW so many times, and I know exactly what I need to do to lose the weight.  It's just a matter of actually doing it.  There will be meals that I throw my hands up in the air at.  Heck, if I'm being honest, there will probably be entire days like that.  And that will be ok. 

Just like when I was pregnant  ::sigh::  and I took tummy pictures so I could watch myself grow, it's time to watch myself shrink now.  I'm thinking maybe every other week, or even once a month as time goes on.  I have set a few goal weights at different milestones.  My first goal is -14 pounds by Valentine's Day.  Baby steps.  I'll share the rest after each one is acheived.  So, there it is.  In writing for the world to see.  I hesitated even 'going there' on this little blog, but I decided that it's just one more way to hold myself accountable.  Wish me luck!

2011- what a year you've been

What a year it's been!  Like everyone else, we've had our share of ups and downs.  One of the best days ever, followed shortly by one of the saddest.  Obviously, having to say good bye to Greta was one of the hardest things I've had to do pretty much ever.  She was not just a dog.  She was not simply our pet.  Greta was all we had for 5 years before we were blessed with the twins.  Greta was a constant companion, the best listener, the most non-judgemental best friend I could ever have had.  She sat with me and witnessed more of my tears and pain than anyone else had, including Jamie.  I miss my first baby - my furry baby - still.  That would be in my top 5 all time worst days. 

This year, super obviously, also held the number 1 spot in my top 5 best days ever - Gabriella and Benjamin's birth day!  These babies mean the whole world to me.  I would be nothing without them, now that I have them.  I have a hard time even remembering what life was like without them.  My sweet little Benjamin and his big open-mouth, gummy smile just melts my heart.  And the way he grips onto my shirt with his tiny fist, like a baby monkey!, is beyond precious.  Oh, and Daddy's girl Gabriella who has a new found love of hearing her own voice shreik and her healthy, squeezy, chubby cheeks that beg to be covered in kisses.  I see so much of myself in her.  She's like a little mini-me personality wise.

So, I'll be ringing in the new year with my little family, making homemade pizza and wearing pajamas.  Hopefully come midnight we'll all be fast asleep!  Now that's living the life.  =)  I couldn't ask for anything more.

'amazing' Christmas lights

Best Christmas Lights Display (HD)


Sometimes it just seems like nothing can go my way.  In the last 24 hours, three different Christmas things I ordered were messed up.  Two items were presents and the last one is one of the new stockings I ordered.  It's not the end of the world about my stocking, but it's not how I ordered it.  They are all beautiful and handmade by an etsy seller.  On my stocking, though, she used solid green fabric and gave me a solid green cuff - not what was ordered!  I know she'll fix it, but I just have this picture in my mind how I wanted things to look and it's very disappointing when it doesn't work out.  I'm bummed. 

We're still not finished shopping.  We haven't wrapped a single gift.  Our house isn't clean for Christmas Eve.  I have to bake.  Jamie and I haven't watched a single Christmas movie together yet.  And I frickin love Christmas movies!!!  I've caught bits and pieces of  "Home Alone", "The Polar Express", "National Lampoon's Xmas Vacation", and some Christmas Disney cartoons, but no movies start to finish, and nothing with anyone else, usually just 10 minutes at a time of whatever is on when I'm pumping.  I'm just tired and overwhelmed.

The video above made me smile, though.  It's so neat and definitely worth clicking on!  Thought I'd share.

so random

Like everyone else this time of year, things are crazy busy over here.  Early Intervention is coming out this afternoon to evaluate Benjamin.  We're thinking about getting a puppy soon (since I don't have enough going on).  We haven't even finished decorating for Christmas yet... don't even get me started on the shopping left to do, and nevermind the wrapping.  I just ordered the babies' Christmas cards last Friday; they should be here by this Friday.  I'll address them all Friday night so they can be sent out on Saturday.  So much to do, so little time.  I'll elaborate more (at some point in the near future) about all of our craziness.  Heck, maybe I'll even write a thorough, not so random post!  Here are a couple of smiles for ya, though:

Gabriella - 5 months old

Benjamin - 5 months old

Right now I'm...

Things have been a bit crazy and stressful over here with Gabriella lately.  Her hemangioma ulcerated back when she was at Children's, but it's gotten a lot worse.  My baby girl has been in some serious pain.  We're on the road to recovery now (I think), but Tuesday she's going to have laser treatment done on it.  I've been warned by the doctor that Gabriella will scream while it's happening, but it'll be over quickly.  Jamie is taking the day off (his birthday, by the way) because I'm just not willing to do it on my own. 

I've seen this on a few different blogs and thought it would be an easy, fun post.  So here goes.

Right now I'm...

obsessing over: all kinds of crafts and diy that I started or want to start, brownies from Weber's bakery (hint, hint Jamie), bills

anticipating: Jamie's birthday party this weekend, Gabriella's laser treatment, Santa's arrival

thinking about: decorating the tree, taking the babies' Christmas card picture, all of the Christmas stuff I have to do, how much has changed in a year

working on: making a few Christmas presents, getting the babies on a schedule of sorts (ha!), putting up Christmas decorations, cleaning the house for Saturday

wearing: blue striped pajama pants and one of Jamie's t-shirts (I'm dangerously close to being the frump that wears a "this is my sexy lingerie" nightgown to bed)

wishing:  Gabriella heals quickly, Benjamin gains more weight, Greta was still here, time slows down

reflect

 found  here

I had some time yesterday to mess around on the computer since Jamie was home and playing with the babies.  I was checking out a few new blogs and happened upon this quote.  I read it a couple of times and then just stopped to think.  I was born and raised Catholic, as was Jamie (he even went to Catholic grade school- I went to a private Catholic college).  We go to church, although our attendance has dropped quite a bit since bedrest in June and Gabriella and Benjamin were born in July.  The babies were baptized on October 16, and church and God will continue to be an important part of their lives.  In our house, we heart Jesus! 

All of that being said, when I read this I thought back to my bedtime prayers on Saturday night.  I have so much to be thankful for, and I'll be the first person to recognize that.  I do say prayers of thanksgiving each night, but there's so much more to be thankful for than what I've been aknowledging nightly.  With everything that has happened with my infertility, pregnancy, and my preemies in the summer, I may have fallen into a pattern of asking God for help and giving my worries to him (which I know is all fine and dandy!) and not really, really appreciating all that I've been blessed with.  I know how much I have been blessed.  I just need to make more of a conscious decision to praise God for all he has given me on a daily basis. 

my belated one year blog-iversary

Because there's not a whole heck of a lot of free time around this joint anymore, I lost track of the days, again.  This post was intended for November 6th, but whatever.  I started this blog on that day!  At the time I was preparing for my 5th transfer after hyperstimulating after my second ivf.  After so many letdowns I anticipated this remaining an infertility blog for who knows how long.  Little did I know that that was the cycle when my prayers would be answered and my dreams and hopes and heart's longing would reach fruition and journey down the path of motherhood. 

As I took a few minutes to click back on the November 2010 posts, my eyes stung with tears.  Even as I watch Gabriella and Benjamin kicking away in their bouncy chairs at this very moment, the memories of what brought them to me make my stomach feel a little upset.  Honestly, before I got pregnant I really thought that the heart-break that infertility brings would just magically melt away through pregnancy and certainly once a baby or two arrived.  I'm sorry to say it doesn't.  Of course that pain has subsided, but every time I read about my cyber-friends' cycles it stirs up my own experiences.  I remember all too well how it feels to have a bfn- I never miscarried or had a chemical pregnancy, so I can not relate to those sorrows.  But trust me, this girl's heart knows pain none-the-less.

All of the worrying and wondering and what-ifs simply shifted forms during pregnancy.  From the get go when Baby A's placenta started to detach, to running to the hospital to be monitored because Baby B who was a wiggleworm hadn't moved in hours and hours, to the fear that my babies were going to be pulled prior to 31 weeks,  to my 34 weekers being in the NICU, watching Benjamin being intubated- seeing him cry but no sound coming out because of the tube.  It continues to this day after seeing Gabriella rescusitated just weeks ago.  The fear of having my dreams shattered, that my babies are just too good to be true, remains. Just over the weekend I had to go get a prescription from the big Walgreen's right by Christ Hospital, and let me tell you, driving that route that I traveled so much for the month after my babies were born still gives me a great big sinking feeling in my chest and some pretty serious anxiety takes over. 

Gabriella and Benjamin are my whole world.  They are everything I've ever wanted and needed.  Years from now my kids won't be able to look back and remember a mommy that had the cleanest house on the block.  I've got days worth of dishes in the sink, at least a week's worth of laundry to do, months of dust stacked up in the living room; I could go on and on, but you get my drift.  My kids will look back and remember a mommy that held them and rocked them and covered them with kisses, a mommy that played with them and read stories to them and loved them more than life itself.