letter of intent

We're really struggling as a one income family.  I received in the mail the letter of intent for the upcoming school year.  I have to let my principal know by March 1st if I'll be returning to school in the fall, or if I'm resigning.  If I had to go back to work, my mom would retire and stay with the babies.  She's only going to work one more school year anyway, so she'd just go out a year earlier than planned.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that Gabriella and Benjamin would be in the best care imaginable, in my absense, of course.  It will just break my heart to leave my babies.  It would absolutely crush me.  But we need money.  I need to figure something out.  I can not go back to work full time during the day.  As a teacher, it's not like the work stays at school and you punch the clock from 9-5 like other jobs.  You get there an hour early and stay late, bring bags of papers home, have committee meetings, etc. 

I've been working on some wreaths and plan on approaching a local craft store, Brady's Craft Mart, this week.  It's kind of like a small scale walk-in Etsy, local arts and crafts.  I already spoke with them over the phone.  To rent a space there for a 6 month contract I have to have my work juried in, or approved, by the owner.  She has to think the work is marketable in this area and priced appropriately. 

I've been making some yarn wrapped wreaths with lace and felt flowers.  The concept is all over pinterest and etsy.  I'll post pictures at some point.  I'm hoping this is something that I can do, from the comforts of home, when my babies are sleeping, to bring in some cash.  Yup, I want to have my cake and eat it too.  It's so scary to think about... material, supplies, 6 months rent, it's a risk up front.  What if my wreaths flop?  I enjoy making them, but I'm not quite sure that they are a product I love.  But I suppose, if they sell and help solve my problem, I can learn to love them. 

I'm also working on getting my grandma's old sewing machine up and running.  Maybe I can figure out how to sew something adorable and original, something that everyone will love and want to have.  I'm not looking to make a fortune, just enough to help us bring in our bottom line and allow me the opportunity to continue being a stay at home mommy.  Being a mommy is all I've ever wanted and it was a long hard road getting here.  I can not emphasize enough what would happen to me if I have to leave my babies and work full time next school year.  My heart and chest hurt even thinking about it.

shut up stupid brain

Dear stupid brain,
Why do you wait until I'm trying to sleep to start working for the day?  Why do you take that opportunity to think and over-think every little detail of my life?  Why do you make me relive moments that I'd rather put behind me?  Why am I dwelling on the stupid maternal fetal doctor that was mean to me BOTH times I was admitted to the hospital?  All I keep thinking is I should have handled the situations with Dr. Suarez differently.  I wish I had the gumption to have kicked him out of my room.  But I guess, ultimately, my own feelings and emotions and pride was put aside for my babies.  Do what you want, say what you want to me, but just let me know my babies are ok... perhaps this was why I dealt with him like I did. 

But seriously, I'd like to go to sleep since my babies are both sleeping (for a few hours already).  Please turn off brain.  I'll pick up all of my worries in the morning.  I promise I'll resume right where I'm leaving off.  I'll worry about money and bills.  I'll worry about keeping my babies safe and healthy.  I'll feel anxious and cry about the thought of something happening to me and my babies not remembering much about me.  I'll try to think of a way to make money without returning to work full time.  I'll beat myself up for not being a better housewife and keeping up with chores.  I'll regret the peanut M&Ms I devoured tonight and berate myself for not having more self-control.  I'll pick all of it, and more, right back up in the morning.  Just let me rest peacefully now. 
Thanks in advance for your cooperation.