Giuliana and Bill Rancic: We’re having a baby!
I don't watch their show or anything, but I was reading this article this morning and I totally started crying. Good for them! I wouldn't wish infertility on even my worst enemy.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Monday, April 23, 2012
Thursday, December 8, 2011
this time last year
It was one year ago today that I found out I was pregnant. I waited a couple of days to post it on here because we had family to tell first. I've cried a few times today when I was looking at Gabriella and Benjamin. This time last year they were about the size of a poppy seed. I don't know why I go getting all emotional about it, but the excitement and joy and surprise and disbelief and fear all come flooding back. I remember the nurse's voicemail. I remember the drive home when I stopped at Walgreens to get Jamie a Baby Ruth candy bar. I remember telling Jamie the news and having him listen to the voicemail, too.
It amazes me how much has happened since this time last year. It makes me wonder what life will be like at this time next year.
It amazes me how much has happened since this time last year. It makes me wonder what life will be like at this time next year.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
my belated one year blog-iversary
Because there's not a whole heck of a lot of free time around this joint anymore, I lost track of the days, again. This post was intended for November 6th, but whatever. I started this blog on that day! At the time I was preparing for my 5th transfer after hyperstimulating after my second ivf. After so many letdowns I anticipated this remaining an infertility blog for who knows how long. Little did I know that that was the cycle when my prayers would be answered and my dreams and hopes and heart's longing would reach fruition and journey down the path of motherhood.
As I took a few minutes to click back on the November 2010 posts, my eyes stung with tears. Even as I watch Gabriella and Benjamin kicking away in their bouncy chairs at this very moment, the memories of what brought them to me make my stomach feel a little upset. Honestly, before I got pregnant I really thought that the heart-break that infertility brings would just magically melt away through pregnancy and certainly once a baby or two arrived. I'm sorry to say it doesn't. Of course that pain has subsided, but every time I read about my cyber-friends' cycles it stirs up my own experiences. I remember all too well how it feels to have a bfn- I never miscarried or had a chemical pregnancy, so I can not relate to those sorrows. But trust me, this girl's heart knows pain none-the-less.
All of the worrying and wondering and what-ifs simply shifted forms during pregnancy. From the get go when Baby A's placenta started to detach, to running to the hospital to be monitored because Baby B who was a wiggleworm hadn't moved in hours and hours, to the fear that my babies were going to be pulled prior to 31 weeks, to my 34 weekers being in the NICU, watching Benjamin being intubated- seeing him cry but no sound coming out because of the tube. It continues to this day after seeing Gabriella rescusitated just weeks ago. The fear of having my dreams shattered, that my babies are just too good to be true, remains. Just over the weekend I had to go get a prescription from the big Walgreen's right by Christ Hospital, and let me tell you, driving that route that I traveled so much for the month after my babies were born still gives me a great big sinking feeling in my chest and some pretty serious anxiety takes over.
Gabriella and Benjamin are my whole world. They are everything I've ever wanted and needed. Years from now my kids won't be able to look back and remember a mommy that had the cleanest house on the block. I've got days worth of dishes in the sink, at least a week's worth of laundry to do, months of dust stacked up in the living room; I could go on and on, but you get my drift. My kids will look back and remember a mommy that held them and rocked them and covered them with kisses, a mommy that played with them and read stories to them and loved them more than life itself.
As I took a few minutes to click back on the November 2010 posts, my eyes stung with tears. Even as I watch Gabriella and Benjamin kicking away in their bouncy chairs at this very moment, the memories of what brought them to me make my stomach feel a little upset. Honestly, before I got pregnant I really thought that the heart-break that infertility brings would just magically melt away through pregnancy and certainly once a baby or two arrived. I'm sorry to say it doesn't. Of course that pain has subsided, but every time I read about my cyber-friends' cycles it stirs up my own experiences. I remember all too well how it feels to have a bfn- I never miscarried or had a chemical pregnancy, so I can not relate to those sorrows. But trust me, this girl's heart knows pain none-the-less.
All of the worrying and wondering and what-ifs simply shifted forms during pregnancy. From the get go when Baby A's placenta started to detach, to running to the hospital to be monitored because Baby B who was a wiggleworm hadn't moved in hours and hours, to the fear that my babies were going to be pulled prior to 31 weeks, to my 34 weekers being in the NICU, watching Benjamin being intubated- seeing him cry but no sound coming out because of the tube. It continues to this day after seeing Gabriella rescusitated just weeks ago. The fear of having my dreams shattered, that my babies are just too good to be true, remains. Just over the weekend I had to go get a prescription from the big Walgreen's right by Christ Hospital, and let me tell you, driving that route that I traveled so much for the month after my babies were born still gives me a great big sinking feeling in my chest and some pretty serious anxiety takes over.
Gabriella and Benjamin are my whole world. They are everything I've ever wanted and needed. Years from now my kids won't be able to look back and remember a mommy that had the cleanest house on the block. I've got days worth of dishes in the sink, at least a week's worth of laundry to do, months of dust stacked up in the living room; I could go on and on, but you get my drift. My kids will look back and remember a mommy that held them and rocked them and covered them with kisses, a mommy that played with them and read stories to them and loved them more than life itself.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
a much needed smile
I came across this video on two different blogs (ams8099 and sulfa) before I was pregnant. I thought it was certainly funny back then, but now that I'm almost 22 weeks along with multiples myself, it gave me a much needed smile as I rewatched the video. I have already had several parts of this conversation myself, several times, so it rings very true. Enjoy!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
my experience in the twilight zone
My mind is still reeling, so this might not make complete sense. I went to have labs done this morning that my ob had ordered on Tuesday. I signed in at 9:53 and was back in the room before 10. Linda (a young girl probably around 25ish with a bad cold) had a heck of a time reading my doctor's orders. I could figure out most of it, so I didn't think a phlebotamist would have a problem- pretty standard stuff. She had to go get help deciphering his writing, which is where things took a funny turn. Once the other two ladies saw that a pregnancy profile was on the list they came in to see the "baby momma" as they called me.
lady- "How far along are you?" (simple question)
me- "13 weeks, with twins" (simple answer? WRONG!!!)
lady- "Twins!?!? Suzy come here, the baby momma's having twins." (keep in mind these were two middle age white ladies) "Suzy has 3 year old twin grandsons."
me- "Wow, that's great."
Suzy- "If you're only 13 weeks, how do you know you're having twins. They don't do ultrasounds until like 20 weeks. Were you getting too big too quick?"
me- "Nope, I had ivf done."
Suzy- "Oh."
Lady- "What's that?"
Linda- "She's infertile."
my internal monologue- (This can't be seriously happening. Can someone check my blood pressure?)
Suzy- "I hope you have a lot of help. Twins are terrible. I wouldn't wish twins on anyone." (exits room)
Lady- "Wow, twins..." (exits room)
Linda- "My cousin tried to have a baby for 7 years, but since there was nothing wrong with her or her husband they wouldn't help them. Then they went on vacation and got pregnant. My nephew, he's not really my nephew but I call him that, is almost 2. Want to see a picture? My cousin is pregnant again."
me- "Wow, that's great. I hear that sometimes happens."
my internal monologue- (Can you please just draw my f-ing blood so I can go home? Jamie went to the bakery for donuts and I'm hungry.)
Linda- showing me her phone, "Here he is. Curly hair and green eyes. He's gonna be hot when he grows up."
me- smile and nod, smile and nod
Linda- "So with ivf, they take your egg and his sperm, mix them together and put them back in? That's good that worked."
me- "That's pretty much how it works, but there's a bit more to it. It's not quite that easy. You see, I had an ivf done last January and we had 14 embryos. We put one in, but it didn't work. Then I had to go on birth control for a cycle, hormones to get my body ready, then we put two more in in March. (I walked her through it, but I won't bore you with those details. Ultimately, new doctor, 2nd ivf, 2 in, both took)
Linda- "So you still have 7 left from your first thing. Are they at home in your freezer?"
my internal monologue (Yup, right next to the Tombstone pizzas. I want to go home, draw my blood.)
me- "No, they have to be kept really, really cold- cryopreservation."
Linda- "I bet you could sell them and make a lot of money."
me- crickets. crickets. How do you respond to that?
Linda- "You know, like to someone that needs them?"
me- "Well, there's embryo adoption, but I don't know if you get paid for that."
Linda- "Egg donors get paid a lot of money. How come?"
me- "Hmmm. Well, it's very hard on your body. Normally, you release one egg from one ovary every month. They alternate sides. When you get ready for ivf, like being an egg donor, you have to stimulate both ovaries. I had close to 30 eggs. That's very hard on your body. You have to take lots of shots to get the eggs to develop. It's also very painful to retreive the eggs."
Linda- "Your have to take shots???"
me- sigh "Yup, a lot of shots."
Linda- "Wow. I didn't know that."
Our conversation went on quite a while longer, but I don't have the strength to continue right now. It was like that episode of Seinfeld wen Elaine is in BizarroWorld- she finds a new Jerry, George,and Kramer. (Kevin, Gene, and Feldman) That's how I felt. I'm still shaking my head over the whole encounter.
lady- "How far along are you?" (simple question)
me- "13 weeks, with twins" (simple answer? WRONG!!!)
lady- "Twins!?!? Suzy come here, the baby momma's having twins." (keep in mind these were two middle age white ladies) "Suzy has 3 year old twin grandsons."
me- "Wow, that's great."
Suzy- "If you're only 13 weeks, how do you know you're having twins. They don't do ultrasounds until like 20 weeks. Were you getting too big too quick?"
me- "Nope, I had ivf done."
Suzy- "Oh."
Lady- "What's that?"
Linda- "She's infertile."
my internal monologue- (This can't be seriously happening. Can someone check my blood pressure?)
Suzy- "I hope you have a lot of help. Twins are terrible. I wouldn't wish twins on anyone." (exits room)
Lady- "Wow, twins..." (exits room)
Linda- "My cousin tried to have a baby for 7 years, but since there was nothing wrong with her or her husband they wouldn't help them. Then they went on vacation and got pregnant. My nephew, he's not really my nephew but I call him that, is almost 2. Want to see a picture? My cousin is pregnant again."
me- "Wow, that's great. I hear that sometimes happens."
my internal monologue- (Can you please just draw my f-ing blood so I can go home? Jamie went to the bakery for donuts and I'm hungry.)
Linda- showing me her phone, "Here he is. Curly hair and green eyes. He's gonna be hot when he grows up."
me- smile and nod, smile and nod
Linda- "So with ivf, they take your egg and his sperm, mix them together and put them back in? That's good that worked."
me- "That's pretty much how it works, but there's a bit more to it. It's not quite that easy. You see, I had an ivf done last January and we had 14 embryos. We put one in, but it didn't work. Then I had to go on birth control for a cycle, hormones to get my body ready, then we put two more in in March. (I walked her through it, but I won't bore you with those details. Ultimately, new doctor, 2nd ivf, 2 in, both took)
Linda- "So you still have 7 left from your first thing. Are they at home in your freezer?"
my internal monologue (Yup, right next to the Tombstone pizzas. I want to go home, draw my blood.)
me- "No, they have to be kept really, really cold- cryopreservation."
Linda- "I bet you could sell them and make a lot of money."
me- crickets. crickets. How do you respond to that?
Linda- "You know, like to someone that needs them?"
me- "Well, there's embryo adoption, but I don't know if you get paid for that."
Linda- "Egg donors get paid a lot of money. How come?"
me- "Hmmm. Well, it's very hard on your body. Normally, you release one egg from one ovary every month. They alternate sides. When you get ready for ivf, like being an egg donor, you have to stimulate both ovaries. I had close to 30 eggs. That's very hard on your body. You have to take lots of shots to get the eggs to develop. It's also very painful to retreive the eggs."
Linda- "Your have to take shots???"
me- sigh "Yup, a lot of shots."
Linda- "Wow. I didn't know that."
Our conversation went on quite a while longer, but I don't have the strength to continue right now. It was like that episode of Seinfeld wen Elaine is in BizarroWorld- she finds a new Jerry, George,and Kramer. (Kevin, Gene, and Feldman) That's how I felt. I'm still shaking my head over the whole encounter.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
look what I've got-
Thanks, cOLey24 (aka Nicole) at endometriosisister for my first ever award! I'm honored and overwhelmed and just sitting here smiling and blushing a bit. There are so many thanks to give out besides to Nicole, though... like thanks to my ovaries that didn't really like to ovulate, my uterus that really didn't like the idea of anything burrrowing into it, my thighs/ butt cheeks/ stomach for taking all the shots like a champ... without all of you, I wouldn't have had a reason to start blogging. So, here goes:
The rules:
1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
**Thanks, again, cOLey24!**
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 5 recently discovered great bloggers!
4. Make sure you contact the bloggers to let them know about the award.
So, a bit about me-
1. I had to have braces on twice because my orthodontist was a loser. I think the only reason my dentist recommended him was because they were drinking buddies in college. 4 years the first go round (6th grade through sophomore year) and then 2 more (senior year and 1st year of college). I swear my teeth weren't even that bad!
2. I received my bachelor's degree in studio art and graphic design with a minor in art history. My dream was to illustrate childrens' books.
3. I cry every single time I watch "Steel Magnolias".
4. I have never had my own new car.
5. I wrote a list of *30 things to do before I'm 30* years before bucket lists and things like that were widespread. I'm going to be 30 in April. So far I- got married, bought my own dog, watched whales migrating, made real homemade bread, got a professional manicure and pedicure, built a campfire and ate marshmallows on a stick, went skinny dipping, and got certified in cpr. I don't think I'll get the remaining 22 things in in the next three months.
6. I don't like to cook, but I LOVE baking.
7. I believe miracles do happen.
5 bloggers that I pass this on to are:
1. jennepper
2. stillaguestroom
3. everything-after
4. urzaandluna
5. fertileramblings
Thursday, January 20, 2011
a big move
Today was a very big day... we transferred out remaining 7 embryos out of the storage from RE#1 and moved them to RE#2. We have 4 embryos still with RE#2, but our one year of storage with our first clinic is up this month. I certainly did not want to pay that clinic to keep them frozen knowing that they'll never get their hands between these warm thighs again! =) What was amazing to me is that we went to RE#2, used their tank, drove to RE#1 where all they had to do is pull them and drop them in the cryo tank, drive back to RE#2, and have them stored there, but RE#1 charged us $200 to transfer out. They didn't do anything today other than pull our straws and load them. Seriously, $200. RE#2 had to prepare the tank and continue storing them and all they charged us was $75! Maybe it's just a sour grapes policy for RE#1; they know that's the last fee they'll be able to shake out of people that are moving their embryos to a different clinic, so why not really push the envelope. I mean, they have people over a barrel- do you want your embryos or not?
I can't tell you if these seven wee ones will ever be transferred to me, but we just felt that this was the right move to make. If we have another fet done in the future, we'd use the 4 remaining embryos from our second ivf, the ones that RE#2 produced. I had kind of an emotional morning. It doens't tkae much to get me crying lately, but I was choked up as we got closer to RE#1 to get our embryos. We had made that same journey many times, for monitoring on the weekends prior to ivf1, ivf, emergency appointment for ohss, fresh transfer, and 3 frozen transfers. Each time we followed that route, there was so much hope in my heart. In the beginning anyway. I'd be lying to say that my 3rd fet (4th overall transfer) was filled with hope. So as we drove there today and got closer, it just hit me for some reason. It just made everything so final- in a good way. I don't want their assistance anymore. They were not able to get me pregnant, ever. All of their mushy talk about "You're here to pick up the kids, huh?" and post transfer "Your little ones are home now" got me nowhere and nothing but heartache. Being asked if I had a sister who would consider being a surrogate at my last wtf just topped it all. Getting my embryos today, while I'm 10 weeks pregnant with twins, just brought me some much needed closure and satisfaction.
I needed to get that off my chest. I met a lot of great people while I was at RE#1, but the bottom line is that they didn't get me pregnant. I don't hate them. I'm not even angry or upset really. I just wonder why my doctor seemed to give up on me. Was I ruining his statistics? Was I just too much trouble? I just don't get it, and I probably never will. Why did he lose hope? I am not naive enough to think for one second that RE#2 has it all figured out. Please. I'm sure he has patients who have left his practice and gotten pregnant by other doctors, too. I get it. But I guess I just wonder how and why things sometimes work out the way they do. I recently came across this quote: When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "give it one more try!"
I don't think I'd change anything we've done this whole journey. I'm a firm believer that everything we experience (good or bad) shapes who we become. Like I wrote in my letter to infertility a while ago, IF made me the woman that sits writing this today. I am stronger, more compassionate, and have more faith because of my IF. These babies that I have finally been blessed with are loved beyond measure already. I know that (almost) all mommies want their babies, but I swear I already do and will continue to love these babies more than any other mommy ever has.
So, that was our busy morning, just a whole lot of running around. I couldn't resist taking a few pictures of the adventure. To end on a lighter note, here they are:
I can't tell you if these seven wee ones will ever be transferred to me, but we just felt that this was the right move to make. If we have another fet done in the future, we'd use the 4 remaining embryos from our second ivf, the ones that RE#2 produced. I had kind of an emotional morning. It doens't tkae much to get me crying lately, but I was choked up as we got closer to RE#1 to get our embryos. We had made that same journey many times, for monitoring on the weekends prior to ivf1, ivf, emergency appointment for ohss, fresh transfer, and 3 frozen transfers. Each time we followed that route, there was so much hope in my heart. In the beginning anyway. I'd be lying to say that my 3rd fet (4th overall transfer) was filled with hope. So as we drove there today and got closer, it just hit me for some reason. It just made everything so final- in a good way. I don't want their assistance anymore. They were not able to get me pregnant, ever. All of their mushy talk about "You're here to pick up the kids, huh?" and post transfer "Your little ones are home now" got me nowhere and nothing but heartache. Being asked if I had a sister who would consider being a surrogate at my last wtf just topped it all. Getting my embryos today, while I'm 10 weeks pregnant with twins, just brought me some much needed closure and satisfaction.
I needed to get that off my chest. I met a lot of great people while I was at RE#1, but the bottom line is that they didn't get me pregnant. I don't hate them. I'm not even angry or upset really. I just wonder why my doctor seemed to give up on me. Was I ruining his statistics? Was I just too much trouble? I just don't get it, and I probably never will. Why did he lose hope? I am not naive enough to think for one second that RE#2 has it all figured out. Please. I'm sure he has patients who have left his practice and gotten pregnant by other doctors, too. I get it. But I guess I just wonder how and why things sometimes work out the way they do. I recently came across this quote: When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "give it one more try!"
I don't think I'd change anything we've done this whole journey. I'm a firm believer that everything we experience (good or bad) shapes who we become. Like I wrote in my letter to infertility a while ago, IF made me the woman that sits writing this today. I am stronger, more compassionate, and have more faith because of my IF. These babies that I have finally been blessed with are loved beyond measure already. I know that (almost) all mommies want their babies, but I swear I already do and will continue to love these babies more than any other mommy ever has.
So, that was our busy morning, just a whole lot of running around. I couldn't resist taking a few pictures of the adventure. To end on a lighter note, here they are:
 |
| Safety first! We strapped our 7 little frosty babies in for the drive. |
 |
| Very nice, Jamie, hands at 10 and 2. |
 |
| What a responsible driver! There was a lot of precious cargo in our car this morning. |
Monday, January 10, 2011
Yowza!
Progesterone in oil injections have never been my friend. Well, the progesterone is great for my babies, but the actual injection still is and always has been the most brutal of them all. I've iced before and after. I've used the heating pad before and after, as well on on the syringe itself to thin the oil. We massage the injection site to disperse the oil. Nothing really helps; it's just a miserable experience. Well, last night topped it all.
For about the past week or so, halfway through my 2 ml dosage, the dang thing would start to burn. Seriously, burn. It would last for a bit after Jamie was done, but would soon subside. I really think I had a bad reaction to last nights' shot. It was not, however, a new vial of medicine. Jamie stuck me exactly where he's supposed to. We did everything the same. But the burning pain was relentless. Heat made it worse. Ice made it worse. Touching it made it worse. Not touching it made it worse. It came in waves. On a ten point scale I was at a constant 4 or 5, but every few minutes it magnified to about a 9, and I like to think I have a high threshold for pain. When this happened, I was arching my back and contorting from the pain. This went on for hours. I tried laying with my left side up, my left side down (kinda like the hokey pokey), standing, sitting, kneeling on the couch and laying over the back of it. I had to wake Jamie up; there was nothing he could do, but I was crying hysterically and needed him to be aware. Normally, if I get welts they are relatively small and roundish and take a day or so to form. Last nights injection formed a new, massive welt in about 30 minutes, and it was long and thick and stretched out (probably 1 inch by almost 3 inches!) When we looked at the area in the bathroom mirror, the skin was clearly much paler than the rest of my skin. I took a shallow, lukewarm bath, which was ok, but the water touching my backside hurt, and when the waves of pain came, there was no relief.
This went on for about 3 hours until the flashes of pain got shorter in duration and further apart. I fell asleep for a while, but of course had to pee two hours later. Standing and moving brought it all back! I ended up falling back to sleep, but now that I'm up I'm feeling it once again.
The only things I can think of are that I got a bad batch of oil, despite the 2012 expiration date, or maybe I'm developing a sensitivity to the sesame oil. I don't know if that's even possible, but after almost 2 solid months on it, and being on it for 4 cycles prior, this was nuts. I don't really want to call my RE as I don't think they'll have much to say about it. I guess I'll just see how things go tonight. Any thoughts as to what happened?
To boot- I think I'm getting sick. My nose switched from stuffy to leaky, I keep sneezing, and my eyes (especially the right one) are itchy and watery. Can a cold or sinus thing do anything to my babies?
For about the past week or so, halfway through my 2 ml dosage, the dang thing would start to burn. Seriously, burn. It would last for a bit after Jamie was done, but would soon subside. I really think I had a bad reaction to last nights' shot. It was not, however, a new vial of medicine. Jamie stuck me exactly where he's supposed to. We did everything the same. But the burning pain was relentless. Heat made it worse. Ice made it worse. Touching it made it worse. Not touching it made it worse. It came in waves. On a ten point scale I was at a constant 4 or 5, but every few minutes it magnified to about a 9, and I like to think I have a high threshold for pain. When this happened, I was arching my back and contorting from the pain. This went on for hours. I tried laying with my left side up, my left side down (kinda like the hokey pokey), standing, sitting, kneeling on the couch and laying over the back of it. I had to wake Jamie up; there was nothing he could do, but I was crying hysterically and needed him to be aware. Normally, if I get welts they are relatively small and roundish and take a day or so to form. Last nights injection formed a new, massive welt in about 30 minutes, and it was long and thick and stretched out (probably 1 inch by almost 3 inches!) When we looked at the area in the bathroom mirror, the skin was clearly much paler than the rest of my skin. I took a shallow, lukewarm bath, which was ok, but the water touching my backside hurt, and when the waves of pain came, there was no relief.
This went on for about 3 hours until the flashes of pain got shorter in duration and further apart. I fell asleep for a while, but of course had to pee two hours later. Standing and moving brought it all back! I ended up falling back to sleep, but now that I'm up I'm feeling it once again.
The only things I can think of are that I got a bad batch of oil, despite the 2012 expiration date, or maybe I'm developing a sensitivity to the sesame oil. I don't know if that's even possible, but after almost 2 solid months on it, and being on it for 4 cycles prior, this was nuts. I don't really want to call my RE as I don't think they'll have much to say about it. I guess I'll just see how things go tonight. Any thoughts as to what happened?
To boot- I think I'm getting sick. My nose switched from stuffy to leaky, I keep sneezing, and my eyes (especially the right one) are itchy and watery. Can a cold or sinus thing do anything to my babies?
Saturday, December 18, 2010
anxiety, emotions, and empowerment
So, I don't have that many followers, but I do appreciate the 8 that I have very much. I used to creep on IF blogs and message boards, so if I, in turn, have any creepers, this is for them too. I know we're all at different places in our cycles and lives in general, but I think everyone can relate on some level.
Whether you are just starting trying to conceive, just got your bfp (or bfn), are in your first/second/third trimester, are already changing diapers, or are driving kids to school, life is still tough and each day is a challenge. I know it can be a bitter pill to swallow when other women get pregnant. I get it. For almost three long years, I shed those tears more often than I'd like to admit. Inside you really want to be happy. You want to see her success as a glimmer of hope for yourself. But no matter how hard you try, your mind drags you back to "Why can't it be me? When will it be my turn? What did I ever do to deserve this?" That's how my mind operated. Maybe my readers have better control of their psyche and emotions than I did. I would obsess over pregnany bellies I'd see. I'd try to remind myself that "she didn't take my baby, I wasn't next in line, and she cut, that's her baby". I also tried to keep in mind that you can't judge a book by its cover. Just because I saw a pregnant tummy, it didn't necessarily mean it came easily to her. I wish there was a shirt to wear once I get my tummy that would announce that my pregnancy was "hard-won, fought for, not as easy as it may appear". Something along those lines. I know for all the tummies I looked longingly at, someone, somewhere will one day look at mine the same way and never know.
Now that I am finally pregnant, the fear and worry and anxiety are still there, just manifested in a different form. This was a rough week for me. Not a potty break went by that my heartbeat didn't quicken as I had to wipe and hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Especially when I'm cramping and spotting and had fresh-looking blood. Especially when I'm waiting for results from bloodwork and pleading with God to let my baby be ok. I used to be scared that my ivf or fet wouldn't work. Now I'm scared that the pregnancy might not work, if that makes any sense. I know I need to relax, but I've been told to "just relax" for three years now and I failed at it then, so I'll likely fail to relax now.
I will forever know what true pain is. I always wondered if once an IF gets pregnant, does the pain just seem to go away? Are they just overcome with joy and happiness that it becomes a distant memory? I hoped it would, because no one deserves the pain that an IF feels. At only 5 weeks 4 days pregnant, I haven't forgotten a single second of the years of heartache I've endured. I don't anticipate that happening when I'm 5 months pregnant, or even putting 5 birthday candles on a cake in the future.
Everything we experience, good or bad, shapes who we are and who we will become. IF has changed me forever. Before I started this blog last month, I grabbed just a spiral notebook that I was going to use as an IF journal of sorts. On the inside cover I wrote a few of the quotes that I put on my "sayings" page. On the first lined page I wrote a letter. I'd seen Dear Infertility letters on other blogs and thought that might be a good place for me to start. I'd like to share my letter:
10-11-10
Dear Infertility,
I want you to know, in no uncertain terms, that you will not win. You picked the wrong girl to mess with. I will be a mommy, and I will win.
Thank you for forcing me to evaluate my life, my relationships, and my value as a woman, daughter, sister, friend, and wife. I have dug deep within my soul and heart as you made me cry myslef to sleep at night, and I have found strength, courage, dertermination, and drive that I didn't realize I had.
I will win each battle along the way to motherhood and stand victorious with my baby or babies one day. You will not break me. You will not shatter my spirit. You will, in fact, be defeated, by me!
That's a promise,
AKL
This was written on the eve of IVF#2. A lot of changes had been made from August (after another bfn from fet#4), which I've written about in various posts and pages, but a monumental change occured that night within me, that I didn't really recognize until today. My fragile being found an incredible, unshakable level of faith that had been missing for a while. My Catholic faith wavered at times, but now... I had faith in myself.
Whether you are just starting trying to conceive, just got your bfp (or bfn), are in your first/second/third trimester, are already changing diapers, or are driving kids to school, life is still tough and each day is a challenge. I know it can be a bitter pill to swallow when other women get pregnant. I get it. For almost three long years, I shed those tears more often than I'd like to admit. Inside you really want to be happy. You want to see her success as a glimmer of hope for yourself. But no matter how hard you try, your mind drags you back to "Why can't it be me? When will it be my turn? What did I ever do to deserve this?" That's how my mind operated. Maybe my readers have better control of their psyche and emotions than I did. I would obsess over pregnany bellies I'd see. I'd try to remind myself that "she didn't take my baby, I wasn't next in line, and she cut, that's her baby". I also tried to keep in mind that you can't judge a book by its cover. Just because I saw a pregnant tummy, it didn't necessarily mean it came easily to her. I wish there was a shirt to wear once I get my tummy that would announce that my pregnancy was "hard-won, fought for, not as easy as it may appear". Something along those lines. I know for all the tummies I looked longingly at, someone, somewhere will one day look at mine the same way and never know.
Now that I am finally pregnant, the fear and worry and anxiety are still there, just manifested in a different form. This was a rough week for me. Not a potty break went by that my heartbeat didn't quicken as I had to wipe and hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Especially when I'm cramping and spotting and had fresh-looking blood. Especially when I'm waiting for results from bloodwork and pleading with God to let my baby be ok. I used to be scared that my ivf or fet wouldn't work. Now I'm scared that the pregnancy might not work, if that makes any sense. I know I need to relax, but I've been told to "just relax" for three years now and I failed at it then, so I'll likely fail to relax now.
I will forever know what true pain is. I always wondered if once an IF gets pregnant, does the pain just seem to go away? Are they just overcome with joy and happiness that it becomes a distant memory? I hoped it would, because no one deserves the pain that an IF feels. At only 5 weeks 4 days pregnant, I haven't forgotten a single second of the years of heartache I've endured. I don't anticipate that happening when I'm 5 months pregnant, or even putting 5 birthday candles on a cake in the future.
Everything we experience, good or bad, shapes who we are and who we will become. IF has changed me forever. Before I started this blog last month, I grabbed just a spiral notebook that I was going to use as an IF journal of sorts. On the inside cover I wrote a few of the quotes that I put on my "sayings" page. On the first lined page I wrote a letter. I'd seen Dear Infertility letters on other blogs and thought that might be a good place for me to start. I'd like to share my letter:
10-11-10
Dear Infertility,
I want you to know, in no uncertain terms, that you will not win. You picked the wrong girl to mess with. I will be a mommy, and I will win.
Thank you for forcing me to evaluate my life, my relationships, and my value as a woman, daughter, sister, friend, and wife. I have dug deep within my soul and heart as you made me cry myslef to sleep at night, and I have found strength, courage, dertermination, and drive that I didn't realize I had.
I will win each battle along the way to motherhood and stand victorious with my baby or babies one day. You will not break me. You will not shatter my spirit. You will, in fact, be defeated, by me!
That's a promise,
AKL
This was written on the eve of IVF#2. A lot of changes had been made from August (after another bfn from fet#4), which I've written about in various posts and pages, but a monumental change occured that night within me, that I didn't really recognize until today. My fragile being found an incredible, unshakable level of faith that had been missing for a while. My Catholic faith wavered at times, but now... I had faith in myself.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
how quickly things change
What a whirlwind the last 24-36 hours have been. After the whole second beta scare, yesterday I went to work like normal, and right before I picked my class up from music, I stopped at the washroom. I felt fine. I still cramp up at times, but I hadn't had any spotting sine maybe Friday or Saturday. So I go to the bathroom, and when I wiped, it was red. Like red, red. And there's more of it than I have had so far. Quite a bit more, but it wasn't heavy. Just enough to freak me out. I wiped a few more times as I began to hyperventilate. Seriously. I couldn't take a breath, just short gasps of air. Then I began crying hysterically .
Very long story short, I work with some very, very amazing and supportive people. The social worker/pal of mine who knows what my deal is walked me to the nurse, they got me somewhat coherent and relatively normal (although I had several more boughts of breathing trouble and crying jags), and my mom was called. She works super close to my house, so she left school. My wonderful assistant principal drove me home to save time. I called Jamie to let him know what was going on, but told him not to leave work until I heard from the doctor. After a few phone calls I got a hold of my nurse and was ordered to the bed or couch until Thursday afternoon, which is wheh they're going to try a very, very, very early ultrasound. I go back next Thursday the 23rd for what should have been my first real pregnancy u/s, but in leiu of yesterday they just want to see what they can see, if anything, at this point. She also had me take my progesterone shot early to help relax my uterus. My mom did not handle administering it very well. She got the job done and I give her so much credit! But I could tell it really bothered her to do it. She asked a few times if I'd like her to drive me to her school and have the nurse do it. =) No way was that happening!
So that's it. I'm going to go lay back down and rest for now. Any thoughts and prayers that can be spared are always appreciated!
Very long story short, I work with some very, very amazing and supportive people. The social worker/pal of mine who knows what my deal is walked me to the nurse, they got me somewhat coherent and relatively normal (although I had several more boughts of breathing trouble and crying jags), and my mom was called. She works super close to my house, so she left school. My wonderful assistant principal drove me home to save time. I called Jamie to let him know what was going on, but told him not to leave work until I heard from the doctor. After a few phone calls I got a hold of my nurse and was ordered to the bed or couch until Thursday afternoon, which is wheh they're going to try a very, very, very early ultrasound. I go back next Thursday the 23rd for what should have been my first real pregnancy u/s, but in leiu of yesterday they just want to see what they can see, if anything, at this point. She also had me take my progesterone shot early to help relax my uterus. My mom did not handle administering it very well. She got the job done and I give her so much credit! But I could tell it really bothered her to do it. She asked a few times if I'd like her to drive me to her school and have the nurse do it. =) No way was that happening!
So that's it. I'm going to go lay back down and rest for now. Any thoughts and prayers that can be spared are always appreciated!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Woo-hoo!
After quite an emotional afternoon that included me flipping out and thinking the worst, a very late voicemail with my results (but no beta level), scheduling my pregnancy ultrasound, calling the nurse back because she didn't leave my beta, was given a low beta (still an increase, but only from 365 to 484. wtf happened), had my heart deflate, crying and crying and thinking it was all over, calling back 3 times to try to talk to my nurse, finally talking to a nurse, and getting my actual beta...
beta #2 = 4,840
Thank you God!
Stupid girl (not a nurse, don't know who she was) checked my chart for me since the nurses were busy and I didn't want to leave a message. Apparently she didn't see the zero on the end! Seriously.
beta #2 = 4,840
Thank you God!
Stupid girl (not a nurse, don't know who she was) checked my chart for me since the nurses were busy and I didn't want to leave a message. Apparently she didn't see the zero on the end! Seriously.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
my symptoms prior to bfp
My second beta is tomorrow morning, so I'll be able to breathe a little easier after that's done. After my transfer, I was keeping track of things that seemed different from the rest of my fets. I just wrote them on paper because I was afraid to post them on here. I didn't want to read to much into them and get my hopes up, just in case. In the past, after negative betas, I always felt a bit foolish that I thought I had early pregnancy symptoms. Now, I feel it's safe enough to share.
5 day transfer:
0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day SOME ACHINESS, A FEW SHORT, SLIGHT CRAMPS
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining ACHEY, DISCHARGEY, BLOATED, PIMPLES
3dpt.. Implantation begins, as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining LOWER BACK PAIN
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining MEGA CRAMPS!!! I was beyond terrified that it meant the end.
5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells EMOTIONAL, SOME CRAMPS IN THE AFTERNOON, MY RIGHT QUADRICEP HURT (weird, but since I felt it, I wrote it down)
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood EMOTIONAL, SOME BROWNISH SPOTTING WHEN I WIPED (3PM ONLY)
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops 2:30PM, PINK SPOTTING WHEN I WIPED, SLIGHT CRAMPING, HEIGHTENED SENSITIVITY TO SMELLS
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops CRAMPING 3 OR 4 TIMES DURING DAY
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT EXHAUSTED!!! CRAZY SENSITIVITY TO SMELLS, CRAMPS, SPOTTING, BLOATING, PIMPLES
10dpt...beta= 365 Big Fat Positive (BFP) (12-8-10, the Feast of the Immaculate Conception) SENSITIVE TO SMELLS THAT NO ONE ELSE COULD SMELL BUT MY STOMACH WAS LURCHING THEY WERE SO BAD, CRAMPS
Since Wednesday, I'm still breaking out, which hasn't been an issue for me in a long time. My lower back hurts mostly at night time. I get occasional cramps day or night. I've been peeing more at night. Some of my work pants are tight already. My boobs are hurting a bit. I feel queasy in the morning, but haven't gotten sick. And I'm just plain worn out. I am not complaining, though, just documenting. I will happily experience everything that's thrown at me as long as it means I'm pregnant!
5 day transfer:
0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day SOME ACHINESS, A FEW SHORT, SLIGHT CRAMPS
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining ACHEY, DISCHARGEY, BLOATED, PIMPLES
3dpt.. Implantation begins, as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining LOWER BACK PAIN
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining MEGA CRAMPS!!! I was beyond terrified that it meant the end.
5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells EMOTIONAL, SOME CRAMPS IN THE AFTERNOON, MY RIGHT QUADRICEP HURT (weird, but since I felt it, I wrote it down)
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood EMOTIONAL, SOME BROWNISH SPOTTING WHEN I WIPED (3PM ONLY)
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops 2:30PM, PINK SPOTTING WHEN I WIPED, SLIGHT CRAMPING, HEIGHTENED SENSITIVITY TO SMELLS
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops CRAMPING 3 OR 4 TIMES DURING DAY
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT EXHAUSTED!!! CRAZY SENSITIVITY TO SMELLS, CRAMPS, SPOTTING, BLOATING, PIMPLES
10dpt...beta= 365 Big Fat Positive (BFP) (12-8-10, the Feast of the Immaculate Conception) SENSITIVE TO SMELLS THAT NO ONE ELSE COULD SMELL BUT MY STOMACH WAS LURCHING THEY WERE SO BAD, CRAMPS
Since Wednesday, I'm still breaking out, which hasn't been an issue for me in a long time. My lower back hurts mostly at night time. I get occasional cramps day or night. I've been peeing more at night. Some of my work pants are tight already. My boobs are hurting a bit. I feel queasy in the morning, but haven't gotten sick. And I'm just plain worn out. I am not complaining, though, just documenting. I will happily experience everything that's thrown at me as long as it means I'm pregnant!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
The results are in...
I'm pregnant!
I had my first beta on Wednesday, 12-8. My blood draw was at 7, but I didn't get to call for the results until after school at 3:40. My heart dang near pounded out of my chest. The nurse was very calm and cool about leaving my message. Just her tone in the first few seconds made my heart sink into my chest. Here we go again, I thought. But then, I heard those glorious words for the first time ever... "I'm calling to congratulate you, you're pregnant." I started shaking so badly, my heart was about to burst out of my chest. I'm pregnant.
Since with IF, there are not many opportunities for surprises, I knew that Jamie would be trying to read my expression when I got home. I stopped at the store and got him a BABY Ruth candy bar. When I pulled up, he was outside with his truck on. Evidently, he thought his chiropractor appointment was at 4:45 instead of 5:45. So he came in the house with me, called to double check the time, and then took his coat off. When he turned back toward me I handed him the candy bar. He looked at it and was like "Yeah? It was postive?" I nodded the whole time and told him that we were indeed pregnant. We hugged, he cried, he went into a kind of shocked state for a few minutes, just saying "We're pregnant. We're going to have a baby." We then had to sit and listen to the message from the nurse a couple of times to get the directions. They consider anything over 25 to be positive. My beta was 365! I go back on Monday for beta #2. Every 2-3 days they want the number to double, so by Monday I should be around 1400 or so. I took a hpt right away just to see what it looks like when it's positive!
We told my parents Wednesday night, Nick/Brooke/Dominick and Brooke's mom on Thursday, and will tell Jamie's parents today when he gets home from work. Jamie and I were discussing it over dinner last night and by far, Brooke is the winner for best reaction so far!
So that's what my last few days have been like, very unreal. It still hasn't sunk in yet. My dear friend/cousin Amber sums it up best as "cautiously expecting our first fet miracle" (although she has 2 miracles!). I'm very excited, just extremely cautious. I want that second beta. I want to know a loose timeline for labs and ultrasounds. I just want this little SnuggleBug to be healthy and stay put and grow.
I had my first beta on Wednesday, 12-8. My blood draw was at 7, but I didn't get to call for the results until after school at 3:40. My heart dang near pounded out of my chest. The nurse was very calm and cool about leaving my message. Just her tone in the first few seconds made my heart sink into my chest. Here we go again, I thought. But then, I heard those glorious words for the first time ever... "I'm calling to congratulate you, you're pregnant." I started shaking so badly, my heart was about to burst out of my chest. I'm pregnant.
Since with IF, there are not many opportunities for surprises, I knew that Jamie would be trying to read my expression when I got home. I stopped at the store and got him a BABY Ruth candy bar. When I pulled up, he was outside with his truck on. Evidently, he thought his chiropractor appointment was at 4:45 instead of 5:45. So he came in the house with me, called to double check the time, and then took his coat off. When he turned back toward me I handed him the candy bar. He looked at it and was like "Yeah? It was postive?" I nodded the whole time and told him that we were indeed pregnant. We hugged, he cried, he went into a kind of shocked state for a few minutes, just saying "We're pregnant. We're going to have a baby." We then had to sit and listen to the message from the nurse a couple of times to get the directions. They consider anything over 25 to be positive. My beta was 365! I go back on Monday for beta #2. Every 2-3 days they want the number to double, so by Monday I should be around 1400 or so. I took a hpt right away just to see what it looks like when it's positive!
We told my parents Wednesday night, Nick/Brooke/Dominick and Brooke's mom on Thursday, and will tell Jamie's parents today when he gets home from work. Jamie and I were discussing it over dinner last night and by far, Brooke is the winner for best reaction so far!
So that's what my last few days have been like, very unreal. It still hasn't sunk in yet. My dear friend/cousin Amber sums it up best as "cautiously expecting our first fet miracle" (although she has 2 miracles!). I'm very excited, just extremely cautious. I want that second beta. I want to know a loose timeline for labs and ultrasounds. I just want this little SnuggleBug to be healthy and stay put and grow.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
this is new
TMI alert...
Here's the deal, for my previous four transfers, my memory is very fuzzy about how I felt and what I experienced (if anything) during the 2ww. But there is ONE symptom/side effect/ whatever you want to call it that I KNOW I never had before; spotting. Yesterday, when I went to the washroom in the afternoon, I had some brown spotting on my underwear and when I wiped. I was fine the rest of the day, but had some cramping and twinges. This morning, I've had a bit more cramping, although none of it compares to Thursday. Just now, when I peed and wiped, I had pink spotting. I know this has never happened before, so I have to assume that it's an ok thing. Never spotted before, never worked before. Maybe, just maybe, I'll get my miracle... Maybe someone found a snuggly spot inside and the spotting is what got loosened up during the snuggle... I have hope. For now, I'm parking on the couch, going to take it easy, and think good thoughts, just in case my theory is right.
Here's the deal, for my previous four transfers, my memory is very fuzzy about how I felt and what I experienced (if anything) during the 2ww. But there is ONE symptom/side effect/ whatever you want to call it that I KNOW I never had before; spotting. Yesterday, when I went to the washroom in the afternoon, I had some brown spotting on my underwear and when I wiped. I was fine the rest of the day, but had some cramping and twinges. This morning, I've had a bit more cramping, although none of it compares to Thursday. Just now, when I peed and wiped, I had pink spotting. I know this has never happened before, so I have to assume that it's an ok thing. Never spotted before, never worked before. Maybe, just maybe, I'll get my miracle... Maybe someone found a snuggly spot inside and the spotting is what got loosened up during the snuggle... I have hope. For now, I'm parking on the couch, going to take it easy, and think good thoughts, just in case my theory is right.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
emotions and song lyrics
Yesterday I felt a million times better. I had some slight cramping at night time, but nothing compared to Thursday. I was, however, extremely emotional. At the risk of sounding like a crazy person, I won't get into my history with the radio. Let's just say that there have been more times than I can count that meaningful songs comes on the radio at exactly the right time. Sometimes the songs are very specific to me, and other times the lyrics just seem to point me in a certain direction or even respond to something I was thinking about. I do have witnesses to this happening!
So I had a lot of driving around to do yesterday. Home to work (20 minutes), work to acupuncture (40 minutes), acupuncture to home (50 minutes). I always, always have the radio on, and that's where most of my emotions erupted from. I didn't have a connection yesterday, but certain songs just brought on the water works.
In the morning, "White Christmas" got me started, so I turned off the Christmas music and popped in a mix cd. I regained my composure, but then "I Won't Back Down" (Tom Petty) sent me reeling. "Heeeey, baby. There ain't no easy way out. You can stand me up at the gates of hell, but I won't back down. Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around. And I'll keep this world from draggin me down, but I'll stand my ground. I won't back down" (That's not the perfect order, btw, but you get the idea.) I cried some more.
So then, on my way to acupuncture I start up again when I hear "Christmas, Baby Please Come Home". I love this song, especially the Darlene Love version, which it was, so I know the lyrics and never had a problem. But for some reason, yesterday "We're singing deck the haaaallls, but it's not like Chirstmas at aaaalllll....." blindsided me. Sheesh!
While I was waiting for my appointment, I turned off the radio (maybe I should have it disconnected?) and was playing around on facebook on my phone. A friend of mine put up "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog that matters." How true is that? There's so much fight left in me. and like Tom Petty said, I won't back down. So, I am adding this line to my affirmations, along with Henry Ford's "If you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." I can get pregnant. I know I can.
I'll give you the abridged version of my ride home. In the 50 minute ride, these songs made me cry: "Dynomite" (which is normally a get-pumped song for me) "Up on the Housetop" (seriously?) and "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue" ("a mighty suckerpunch came flying in from somewhere in the back, but as soon as we could see clearly through our big black eye, man we lit up your world like the 4th of July" It's clearly a patriotic song, but I can connect anything and everything to my infertility. Our suckerpunch is IF, black eye all the pain we've gone through for three years, we're working on a plan that will change everything)
Once again, I turned the radio off, called Jamie. Called my mom. Then, 3 minutes from my house, as I'm once again pushing buttons, the Beastie Boys' "You gotta fight, for your right, to paaaaaarty" comes on. Remembering that It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog that matters... I become empowered and belt out every chorus as "You gotta fight, for your right, to be a MOOOOOOMMMMY!" No more tears.
So I had a lot of driving around to do yesterday. Home to work (20 minutes), work to acupuncture (40 minutes), acupuncture to home (50 minutes). I always, always have the radio on, and that's where most of my emotions erupted from. I didn't have a connection yesterday, but certain songs just brought on the water works.
In the morning, "White Christmas" got me started, so I turned off the Christmas music and popped in a mix cd. I regained my composure, but then "I Won't Back Down" (Tom Petty) sent me reeling. "Heeeey, baby. There ain't no easy way out. You can stand me up at the gates of hell, but I won't back down. Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around. And I'll keep this world from draggin me down, but I'll stand my ground. I won't back down" (That's not the perfect order, btw, but you get the idea.) I cried some more.
So then, on my way to acupuncture I start up again when I hear "Christmas, Baby Please Come Home". I love this song, especially the Darlene Love version, which it was, so I know the lyrics and never had a problem. But for some reason, yesterday "We're singing deck the haaaallls, but it's not like Chirstmas at aaaalllll....." blindsided me. Sheesh!
While I was waiting for my appointment, I turned off the radio (maybe I should have it disconnected?) and was playing around on facebook on my phone. A friend of mine put up "It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog that matters." How true is that? There's so much fight left in me. and like Tom Petty said, I won't back down. So, I am adding this line to my affirmations, along with Henry Ford's "If you think you can or you think you can't, you're right." I can get pregnant. I know I can.
I'll give you the abridged version of my ride home. In the 50 minute ride, these songs made me cry: "Dynomite" (which is normally a get-pumped song for me) "Up on the Housetop" (seriously?) and "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue" ("a mighty suckerpunch came flying in from somewhere in the back, but as soon as we could see clearly through our big black eye, man we lit up your world like the 4th of July" It's clearly a patriotic song, but I can connect anything and everything to my infertility. Our suckerpunch is IF, black eye all the pain we've gone through for three years, we're working on a plan that will change everything)
Once again, I turned the radio off, called Jamie. Called my mom. Then, 3 minutes from my house, as I'm once again pushing buttons, the Beastie Boys' "You gotta fight, for your right, to paaaaaarty" comes on. Remembering that It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog that matters... I become empowered and belt out every chorus as "You gotta fight, for your right, to be a MOOOOOOMMMMY!" No more tears.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
ugh
I woke up this morning with cramps. I started crying and basically freaking out. For all of my past transfers, I had cramps at some point. I think they happened later in the cycle, but since I didn't keep track, I could be completely wrong. There was no point in even calling my doctor. All they would say is if it gets bad, take one regular strengthg tylenol. It is what it is. Nothing's going to change it. I do, however, realize that freaking about it certainly won't help the situation. I need to stay calm and stress-free. (ha) The cramps came and went throughout the day, almost in waves at times. I had a few really good cramps, but the rest were managable. So, I'm kind of an idiot about this "achiness" I've been having. I think I was sore and achey from the heparin. When I saw my stomach this morning and how it's all bruised up, it hit me like a tone of bricks. Perhaps that's the achiness. (I've never been accused of being the brightest bulb on the tree.)
I just want to be pregnant more than anything. To be this close, once again, and have it yanked away from me (right before Christmas, mind you) will be a devastating blow that I pray to God I don't have to deal with. I'm still thinking positive thoughts. I'm still going for acupuncture and doing everything else that I'm advised to do. It's out of my hands right now.
I just want to be pregnant more than anything. To be this close, once again, and have it yanked away from me (right before Christmas, mind you) will be a devastating blow that I pray to God I don't have to deal with. I'm still thinking positive thoughts. I'm still going for acupuncture and doing everything else that I'm advised to do. It's out of my hands right now.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
timeline
As a teacher, I beg, borrow, and steal worksheets and ideas from all over the place. No one should recreate the wheel, as they say! I'm borrowing this, too, since I clearly didn't discover what happens after a frozen embryo transfer. =)
I've seen this timeline on fertilty forums' message boards in the past, but I was redirected to it recently by Kate and her post, who also borrowed from a friend.
5 day transfer:
0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dpt.. Implantation begins, as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT
Hopefully, this is what's going on. My lower back has been hurting all afternoon and evening, and I'm still a bit achey at times, but that's it.
I've seen this timeline on fertilty forums' message boards in the past, but I was redirected to it recently by Kate and her post, who also borrowed from a friend.
5 day transfer:
0dpt... Embryo is now a blastocyst
1dpt....Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
2dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
3dpt.. Implantation begins, as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
4dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
5dpt.. Morula is completely implanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
6dpt...Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
7dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
8dpt...More HCG is produced as fetus develops
9dpt...HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT
Hopefully, this is what's going on. My lower back has been hurting all afternoon and evening, and I'm still a bit achey at times, but that's it.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
today was my Monday
I need to vent. I went back to school today, and my kids confirmed in my mind that taking the first trimester off of work is exactly what I'll need to do. I got "a note" from my sub, who I know very well. She's a very tolerant person, so this was a big deal. Not even 9 minutes into the day, shenanigans started. Unbelievable! They didn't miss me. They didn't care that I came back. They didn't feel sorry because I was "sick" yesterday. No one cared (kid-wise, my coworkers care very much). And the tress and aggravation they caused me 9 minutes into the day that just continued.
In other news...
I can never remember how I felt at different stages of my previous transfers. Was I achy before, or was it more cramping? I don't know. What I can tell you is this time around, I've had occasional achiness. No period-like cramping that I used to wonder if it was implantation, or my period trying to force it's way through, or my body rejecting my own embryos (yup, that thought crossed my mind in the past). So far, so good, but I'm only 2 days past a 5 day transfer. (2dp5dt) I have the timeline, and not much is happening in there just yet. I don't think
In other news...
I can never remember how I felt at different stages of my previous transfers. Was I achy before, or was it more cramping? I don't know. What I can tell you is this time around, I've had occasional achiness. No period-like cramping that I used to wonder if it was implantation, or my period trying to force it's way through, or my body rejecting my own embryos (yup, that thought crossed my mind in the past). So far, so good, but I'm only 2 days past a 5 day transfer. (2dp5dt) I have the timeline, and not much is happening in there just yet. I don't think
Monday, November 29, 2010
what's done is done
Yesterday was my big day, and everyone was invited! Not literally. I invited God to be part of my day (as always) by paying a visit to His house. I had my acupuncturist join in the fun. And where would I be without having various hands of my medical team working their magic?
Here's how my day went:
7:45 pineapple core followed by breakfast buffet of medicine
8:30 grape juice
9:00 went to church with my family
10:00 home to change and gather my prayer stuff to bring with
11:00 acupuncture
12:30 quick stop at Buy, Buy Baby
1:00 arrived at doctor's office
1:15 Dr. Ding (I love his name) showed us our 2 beautiful embryos
1:45 ultrasound- I am informed that I did not drink anywhere near enough water. She can't even see my uterus. I start crying, am told not to panic, and proceed to pound 3 bottles of water.
2:15 ultrasound- everything is beautiful, get the doc
2:30 I have 2 perfect embryos snuggling in.
Here are two changes from my old RE-
At RE#1, after the transfer you'd lay there 5 minutes, get up and pee, get dressed and go home.
At RE#2, after your transfer you don't move, they catheterize you to empty your bladder, invert the table so your feet are higher than your head, and you lay there for 15 minutes
2:45ish (not sure, a lot of blood rushed to my head on the tipped back table!) I go and get dressed and get my discharge instructions.
3:30 home and staying horizontal the rest of the night, per doctor's orders
Here's my photo journey:
And now the waiting game begins, along with all the magic. Any thoughts and prayers that can be spared and thrown my way are greatly appreciated.
Here's how my day went:
7:45 pineapple core followed by breakfast buffet of medicine
8:30 grape juice
9:00 went to church with my family
10:00 home to change and gather my prayer stuff to bring with
11:00 acupuncture
12:30 quick stop at Buy, Buy Baby
1:00 arrived at doctor's office
1:15 Dr. Ding (I love his name) showed us our 2 beautiful embryos
1:45 ultrasound- I am informed that I did not drink anywhere near enough water. She can't even see my uterus. I start crying, am told not to panic, and proceed to pound 3 bottles of water.
2:15 ultrasound- everything is beautiful, get the doc
2:30 I have 2 perfect embryos snuggling in.
Here are two changes from my old RE-
At RE#1, after the transfer you'd lay there 5 minutes, get up and pee, get dressed and go home.
At RE#2, after your transfer you don't move, they catheterize you to empty your bladder, invert the table so your feet are higher than your head, and you lay there for 15 minutes
2:45ish (not sure, a lot of blood rushed to my head on the tipped back table!) I go and get dressed and get my discharge instructions.
3:30 home and staying horizontal the rest of the night, per doctor's orders
Here's my photo journey:
 |
| my St. Gerard handkerchief, my St. Philomena chaplet, and my St. Anthony prayer card My grandma used to always say "Holy Tony, cut out the baloney and help me (fill in the blank). |
 |
| For all of my transfers in the past, I wished we had taken a picture to show our baby(s) how happy we were to be going to get them before the procedure. This time I remembered! |
 |
| our purchase- a Cookie Monster bib |
 |
| The stars of the show! Hopefully 40 weeks from now one of these beauties will be wearing that bib. The bottom 2 pictures show our perfect, gorgeous, grade 1A, 5 day expanded blastocysts. The top picture shows them both emerging after the assisted hatching. |
 |
| The small bright white mark, just north of the syringe, is where my 2 embryos are. It's hard to see, but trust me, it's there! |
And now the waiting game begins, along with all the magic. Any thoughts and prayers that can be spared and thrown my way are greatly appreciated.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
bromelain, selenium, and infertility
 |
| Right on the tag it mentions Bromelain! I guess they didn't want to mention that it may help with embryo implantation. |
 |
| Doesn't that woody, white core look most delicious? |
 |
| all cut up |
 |
| the part of the pinapple that normal people eat |
 |
| the part of the pineapple that infertile people eat |
Using Pineapple to Assist Implantation: Pineapple contains bromelain. Bromelain is a proteolytic enzyme that breaks up proteins that inhibit embryo implantation. Consuming a whole pineapple (focusing on the core as it has the highest concentration of Bromelain) during a fertility cycle can be beneficial.
For IVF [in vitro fertilization] cycle: one pineapple, divided into 5 portions - consume one portion each day, over five days, beginning on the day of your embryo transfer.
IUI [intra-uterine insemination] cycle: one pineapple, divided into 5 portions - consume one portion each day, over five days, beginning on the day of your IUI.
Timed intercourse cycle: one pineapple, divided into 5 portions - consume one portion each day, over five days, beginning on the day after ovulation.
Note: Be careful not to start consuming pineapple too early in the cycle. Beginning to consume pineapple BEFORE the recommended days above can actually affect your vaginal and cervical mucus PH, making it more acidic.
To boot, pineapples also contain selenium. This is a natural antioxidant that is said to help promote a healthy endometrium (uterine lining).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)