anxiety, emotions, and empowerment

So, I don't have that many followers, but I do appreciate the 8 that I have very much.  I used to creep on IF blogs and message boards, so if I, in turn, have any creepers, this is for them too.  I know we're all at different places in our cycles and lives in general, but I think everyone can relate on some level.

Whether you are just starting trying to conceive, just got your bfp (or bfn), are in your first/second/third trimester, are already changing diapers, or are driving kids to school, life is still tough and each day is a challenge.  I know it can be a bitter pill to swallow when other women get pregnant.  I get it.  For almost three long years, I shed those tears more often than I'd like to admit.  Inside you really want to be happy.  You want to see her success as a glimmer of hope for yourself.  But no matter how hard you try, your mind drags you back to "Why can't it be me?  When will it be my turn?  What did I ever do to deserve this?"  That's how my mind operated.  Maybe my readers have better control of their psyche and emotions than I did.  I would obsess over pregnany bellies I'd see.  I'd try to remind myself that "she didn't take my baby, I wasn't next in line, and she cut, that's her baby".  I also tried to keep in mind that you can't judge a book by its cover.  Just because I saw a pregnant tummy, it didn't necessarily mean it came easily to her.  I wish there was a shirt to wear once I get my tummy that would announce that my pregnancy was "hard-won, fought for, not as easy as it may appear".  Something along those lines.  I know for all the tummies I looked longingly at, someone, somewhere will one day look at mine the same way and never know.

Now that I am finally pregnant, the fear and worry and anxiety are still there, just manifested in a different form.  This was a rough week for me.  Not a potty break went by that my heartbeat didn't quicken as I had to wipe and hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.  Especially when I'm cramping and spotting and had fresh-looking blood.  Especially when I'm waiting for results from bloodwork and pleading with God to let my baby be ok.  I used to be scared that my ivf or fet wouldn't work.  Now I'm scared that the pregnancy might not work, if that makes any sense.  I know I need to relax, but I've been told to "just relax" for three years now and I failed at it then, so I'll likely fail to relax now.

I will forever know what true pain is.  I always wondered if once an IF gets pregnant, does the pain just seem to go away?  Are they just overcome with joy and happiness that it becomes a distant memory?  I hoped it would, because no one deserves the pain that an IF feels.  At only 5 weeks 4 days pregnant, I haven't forgotten a single second of the years of heartache I've endured.  I don't anticipate that happening when I'm 5 months pregnant, or even putting 5 birthday candles on a cake in the future. 

Everything we experience, good or bad, shapes who we are and who we will become.  IF has changed me forever.  Before I started this blog last month, I grabbed just a spiral notebook that I was going to use as an IF journal of sorts.  On the inside cover I wrote a few of the quotes that I put on my "sayings" page.  On the first lined page I wrote a letter.  I'd seen Dear Infertility letters on other blogs and thought that might be a good place for me to start.  I'd like to share my letter:

10-11-10
Dear Infertility,
I want you to know, in no uncertain terms, that you will not win. You picked the wrong girl to mess with.  I will be a mommy, and I will win.


Thank you for forcing me to evaluate my life, my relationships, and my value as a woman, daughter, sister, friend, and wife. I have dug deep within my soul and heart as you made me cry myslef to sleep at night, and I have found strength, courage, dertermination, and drive that I didn't realize I had.


I will win each battle along the way to motherhood and stand victorious with my baby or babies one day.  You will not break me.  You will not shatter my spirit.  You will, in fact, be defeated, by me! 


That's a promise,
AKL

This was written on the eve of IVF#2.  A lot of changes had been made from August (after another bfn from fet#4), which I've written about in various posts and pages, but a monumental change occured that night within me, that I didn't really recognize until today.  My fragile being found an incredible, unshakable level of faith that had been missing for a while.  My Catholic faith wavered at times, but now... I had faith in myself.